


I was there

by runsoftbin



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2019-06-18 04:47:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 39,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15477996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/runsoftbin/pseuds/runsoftbin
Summary: “He understands, without words of explanation, that I am doing my best with what love I have left.”





	1. 2018, Part 1

[2018]

“Has this apartment always been this spacious?”

To himself, Hanbin whispers. He is cold and the artificial lights are too bright for his tired eyes. He sits on a barstool in their own little kitchen bar, and the sound it makes when he adjust his position reminds him that somehow they managed to do it there, not once, but twice. He remembers how he gripped those arms so strongly that the next day they find purplish marks around it. Well, things people do when they are young.

He looks at his sixth glass of coffee that day, and then he realizes that he cannot even drink it anymore. His heart is beating so loudly inside of his chest, and maybe that is also why he is sweating in the middle of a cold night. He knows he has to cut down on caffeine but it is like his personal healing. Coffee keeps him wide awake, keeps him aware. Hanbin today likes to be awake, unlike Hanbin a few years ago who prefered sleep more than anything the earth can offer.

His eyes settles on the redundant lamp that looks like a giant and tall torch. Well, it wasn’t him who picked it, he would never spend an awful lot of money on that hideous thing. The lamp has absolutely no point other than standing there and be still. It doesn’t provide enough light when it’s alone, and its light is completely gone when the other lamps are on. “The yellowish light is warm, I like warmth.” He remembered that clearly, and he wondered why he agreed.

After all, Hanbin agreed on so many things for that person.

Too many.  
.  
.  
.  
Hanbin hears that, the sound of him punching the password carelessly that he needs to repeat it twice. He only does that kind of thing either when he is too sleepy, or too drunk. Hanbin wonders which one he will encounter tonight.

Hanbin also hears that, the shoes being kicked and the car key being thrown on the shoe shelf. He expected a drunk man will stumble towards the living room but what shows up is Jiwon still in his office look; slim fit button up, loose tie and rolled up sleeves. The said man walks inside, only saying a dull ‘hey’ to Hanbin who sits on the sofa pretending to watch whatever it is that shown on the television.

There is noise coming from their bedroom, where Jiwon is currently in. The drawer being opened, the closet’s door being slammed, and a curse.

“It’s 2 AM.” Hanbin said, a little bit loud so Jiwon can hear it.

“Where is my passport?” the latter shouted.

“Well that’s a good question to ask at this hour.” Hanbin switches the channel because he is not in the mood to watch animals in the jungle trying to prey on one another.

“Seriously, I need my passport right now, I am in hurry please Hanbin help me find it,” Jiwon walked to the drawer under the television, taking out all the objects he can find inside of it and curse when he cannot find what he is looking for.

“What do you need it for, you will not get deported from South Korea even if you don’t have it with you. Relax.”

“I am not in mood for jokes right now, Bin.”

Jiwon slammed another drawer and curse again. Seriously since when does he curse this much? Hanbin has heard twelve times in the span of seven minutes.

“Where is it, fuck!”

Well, thirteen.

“I am not joking,” said Hanbin, still sitting and switching the channel, hugging the pillow even closer, “see, this is exactly why I always insist to put things where they belong instead of just throwing it away to any place you want to. Also, put those things back to the drawer after you take it all out. We cannot afford losing another unimportant things.”

Hanbin does it on purpose. Of course he does.

“I cannot do this right now, Bin, I have a flight to catch.”

Hanbin chuckles cynically, “of course you cannot. You can barely do anything anymore around this house, well, except of course messing it up.”

Jiwon sighs, Hanbin knows he had pissed the man up but that’s how they do it now, don’t they? That’s how they do a relationship now.

“What is wrong with you, Hanbin?! If you don’t want to help, then fine. Just shut up.”

“Oh so that is what you want me to do now? To shut up? How ironic, don’t you think? When a long time ago all you ask at night is for me to be louder.”

Hanbin keeps calm when of course he knows he had pushed Jiwon over the edge. He knows perfectly what to say and how to say it. He remains seated with minimum expression on his face.

“Seriously, what the fuck?”

The footstep is getting closer but Hanbin doesn’t budge an inch.

“You really want this petty fight at this hour, don’t you?” Jiwon is standing near the couch, his shirt is untucked and his hair is dishevelled. If only Hanbin looks at his face, maybe he will notice the tiredness. But he didn’t.

“Believe me that is not even close to what I want.”

“Then what?! What do you want?”

Hanbin looks at Jiwon who has his hands on his hips, waiting for Hanbin to open his mouth again and bark back with the same amount of anger.

“You don’t want to know what I want.”

“Oh maybe I do?”

Hanbin doesn’t look at Jiwon in the eyes because he’s afraid—what if he sees sparks of disappointment? That will crush Hanbin’s heart.

But what if instead, it’s the look of hatred he would see, the look that conveys they are really coming near their end, where things are just so messed up and it hurts less to leave it than trying hard to piece things back together. Hanbin would never be able to live with that.

Hanbin looks away. The anger and disappointment bubbles inside of him and at this point only two things could happen; he would bark swear words, bringing up everything in his knowledge that he knows would hurt Jiwon and push his every buttons—and with five years of relationship, Hanbin knows too much, too deep. Jiwon would bark back and spit equally cruel words and they will end up fighting with fists or Jiwon would just storm out of the apartment and drink his problems away.

Or he would just beg Jiwon to stop, to just _come back and please hold me for a moment, I’m cold and it’s been a long time_. And he would cry, oh how he would definitely cry.

But it’s pride. Of course it’s pride that’s keeping him from admitting that he’s lonely, that it’s been a long time and he needed the touch—to feel. It’s pride that’s keeping him from coming to Jiwon and just _I’m tired, please stay with me._ The pride fuels the fire inside of him and everything that’s Jiwon doing irritates him to no end, it’s sickening. The need of Jiwon’s touch slowly turns into the need to hurt him instead, and honestly it scares Hanbin too.

Hanbin sighed. Suddenly he feels even more tired than before, the loud beating of his heart burns the little energy that’s left inside of him, and he decided to just give up on this fight too. Jiwon is still standing there, towering over him with one hand on his hips.

“Whatever, I am not doing this.”

Hanbin stands up, he just wants to lay down and closes his eyes a little bit.

“See, you are always like this, Bin,”

Hanbin just walks away. It is obvious that Jiwon doesn’t want the fight to end yet, because hell, it was Hanbin who started it.

“...you run away. From fights, from troubles, from things that makes you uncomfortable. That’s fucking why these fights never meet their ends.”

Hanbin freezes for a moment, trying to keep his calm even when Jiwon cannot even see his face anymore.

Jiwon would be wrong if he thinks that Hanbin doesn’t know about it already. His tendency to just run, to just go away for a certain moment and wait until the anger dissipate, hoping that the problems would go away and he would come back to see things gets better just like what it used to.

He also knows that those things don’t get better. They are just cooling down and never really disappear. Just like fights with Jiwon. He would shut Jiwon down for sometimes, give him silent treatment because even his every breath pisses him off. But then after his anger dissipate he would talk to Jiwon again like nothing happened. Hugs him, kisses him. And Jiwon never failed to kiss and hug Hanbin back, swallowing the fact that his own anger might still be eating him from the inside.

Hanbin feels bad, about himself, about this relationship he is in. About hurting Jiwon, about letting Jiwon hurt him. He can feel his chest constricts, his limbs heavy. He’s going to break down if he keeps confronting Jiwon with that mental condition, and it scares him. What if Jiwon doesn’t get worried at all? That will crush every faith he has left.

“Your passport is still inside the bag you brought to Hokkaido,” Hanbin doesn’t turn his back to talk to Jiwon who is still standing on the same spot.

“...don’t forget to come back next week for Yunhyeong’s birthday. Also I’ve sent gifts for your parent’s anniversary two days ago. Your mother called today asking when you’re gonna see her.”

Hanbin gets into their shared room, that is really just _his_ room for months already. He closes the door gently, drags himself to the bed and drops his body on the mattress. His thoughts are jumbled, his body is tired. He needs to sleep before a full blown migraine start to attack him, and he doesn’t need that for his morning shift.

He could still hear doors being opened and closed lightly, and just as usual, Jiwon goes out of their apartment without saying goodbye anymore.  
.  
.  
.  
“You’re seriously taking a whole day shift today too, Hanbin?”

Hanbin always appreciate Yunhyeong’s concern, especially for his safety and whole being. How can somebody be so nice and caring, Hanbin still doesn’t know. He’s glad, still. It’s nice being taken care of, especially when Yunhyeong really feels a a motherly older brother—if that’s even make sense.

Hanbin is about to sip his Americano again when Yunhyeong snatched it away from him, earning a childish whine from the younger.

“Never ever I met any other doctor who is as careless as you are about their own basic health.”

“I need it,” Hanbin tries to reach the cup but he’s too tired even for that.

“When is the last time you eat?”

“I don’t know,” Hanbin flopped his upper body to his messy desk, ignoring all the patient’s report he needs to write by hands and submit the next day. If there is anything more tiring than being a medicine student, being a trainee doctor in ER shift it is. The doctor’s room is messy and still smells like medicine, just enough for them to sit around and talk between the crazy shifts.

Hanbin hasn’t came home for a few days now, he needs the distraction, he needs to tire himself to keep his mind from thinking about everything. About how empty the apartment is. About how full the fridge is. About how neat the bed is. About how faraway Jiwon is getting, and how long they can hold on to a mess they called a relationship.

“Hanbin, is this about Jiwon again?”

Hanbin closes his eyes, “let’s not talk about this, Hyung.”

Yunhyeong pulled his chair closer to Hanbin, concerning about his younger friend whose eyebags makes him look sick.

“No, we’re gonna.” But Hanbin doesn’t open his eyes, “I am worried.”

Hanbin groaned, “No, please... you have your own problems to deal with, please don’t get stressed out about me, we’re gonna deal with this just fine.” Hanbin half mumbles, still closing his eyes but Yunhyeong knows that it’s not beause he’s sleepy.

“Listen, you are not going to distract yourself with work, Hanbin. You are a doctor, this is not a distraction,”

Hanbin lifts his head, he opens his eyes and looks at Yunhyeong questioningly, “are you giving me talk as a senior now?”

Yunhyeong sighs yet again, leaning back to the chair he’s sitting on, stretching his feet and folding his hands in front of his chest.

“Hanbin, I’ve known you for a long time, and I know Jiwon even longer. This honestly is not healthy for both of you guys.”

“I know,” Hanbin plays with his fingers, the habit that never really disappear. Jiwon would laugh at it, he found it cute but sometimes he also keeps one of Hanbin’s hand occupied by holding it, or just by pressing it lightly between his elbow and thigh when they are sitting close by.

“Is this still about your family?”

Yunhyeong knows a lot about them and at some point Hanbin is glad. At least Hanbin doesn’t have to find excuses of why he looks so down. But at the same time, Hanbin could never hide anything from him because he’s been there even from the very start of their relationship.

“...maybe. But there are other things too. A lot. It’s complicated and I’m just so so tired,”

Hanbin wipes his face with both of his hands, his mind is full, yet so empty. Now that he is at the hospital, another worry starts gnawing on him like sickness. He cannot get any blink of sleep nor any bites of food for at least two days, he has been sweating and his hands are shaking. The ER shift has been pressuring him a lot than what it should be, especially with his mind being all over the places and the thoughts about Jiwon keeps bugging him.

“Hanbin, are you alright?”

Yunhyeong puts his hand on top of Hanbin’s, on top of the report papers that scatters around the desk like they have been piled up for weeks.

Hanbin shakes his head—he has no idea, “...I don’t know...”

“You haven’t been experiencing... those—”

But then Hanbin’s phone rings so loudly—with the loudest ringtone that he purposely sets, in case of emergency—and they both startled. He answers the phone and immediately stands up after listening to what those people accross the line says. Yunhyeong can see blood drained from Hanbin’s face as he keeps listening. Hanbin’s eyes widen and the hand that holds the phone shakes.

“What, what happened?”

Hanbin’s hand falls to his side gracelessly, he drops the phone on the desk. He’s suddenly lightheaded and his breath is getting shorter.

“Hanbin?”

“...major accident... six cars, two buses, four bikes... patients are on the way, mild to severe injuries...”

Yunhyeong instantly gets into his doctor mode and grabbed the stethoscope on the desk, “Let’s go.”

But Hanbin isn’t feeling so good, but in this condition he could not even think straight, how would he help people? He cannot afford to make mistakes in such condition and suddenly he’s very very scared.

“Hyung, I’m....”

“Hanbin,” Hanbin can feel Yunhyeong grabs his cold hand, “it’s gonna be okay. You are a great doctor and you know that, they need you now. They need help, okay? We will help them. I am here, we will back each other up,”

Hanbin closes his eyes and put his hand on his chest, trying to calm his heart that’s beating so wildly. He keeps repeating what Yunhyeong says inside of his head, he keeps mouthing that it’s gonna be okay... they need you, you will help them get better... you are a good doctor, you are...

Hanbin can feel Yunhyeong pulls him into a hug, caressing his back firmly to transfer some intengible courage and strength. Another time yet again, Yunhyeong is always there and knows what to say, and Hanbin’s endlessly thankful.

“Try to calm down, okay... Just tell me when it gets too much,”

Hanbin nods. He manages to control his breathing by matching them with Yunhyeong’s, and in the next minute he grabs his own stethoscope and runs with Yunhyeong to the emergency room.  
.  
.  
.  
[TBC]

 

_(Their apartment ideas:[here](http://angels4peace.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/small-apartment-design-ideas.jpg). It's small and intimate, with warm lights and few funitures. That's the sofa where Hanbin was sitting, and if you can see, there's the barstool they did "it" on.)_

_(only ideas, you are free to imagine other designs too hehehe)_


	2. 2012, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s the first time Jiwon hears his name being called by the other boy, and he hopes it’s not weird that he finds it nice.

[2012]

Morning smells like fallen leaves and wet floor and Jiwon tries masking the unpleasant taste of Monday and responsibilities with a cup of coffee that is as black as his soul. Dark bags under his eyes are still too visible even after he scrubbed his face until the healthy color fades. His mind is still not one hundred percent there yet. After a hard party and loud night, he usually needs one full day of sleep before functioning properly. But there he is, in the college’s cafetaria that is too loud and busy, yet his hazy mind cannot really seem to care much about his surrounding. 

He is in his third sip of coffee until someone comes and sits just accross the table, carrying two super thick textbooks on his right hand and a cup of coffee—which smelled bitter, really bitter—on his other hand, thick black hair tousled, round glasses, dark bags under his eyes, and a tissue stucks up his nose. A nosebleed early at the morning—what a great thing to start a day.

Jiwon watches in horror as he pours a bottle of monster energy drink into his coffee and stirrs it. He gets rid of the bloody tissue, smells the cup content and scrunches his nose. He’s a mess.

“I am going to die.” he says to no one in paticular, as he drinks the whole thing in a big gulp. Jiwon knows his eyes widen in horror as he watches that terrifying scene, but then the glasses boy slams his cup and flops his upper body to the table, closing his eyes like nobody’s business. 

Anatomy, well from the thick book and the desperation, Jiwon can really tell that the boy in front of him is a medicine student, who is barely getting himself together. He had seen this book before, somewhere in his friend’s apartment, and he wonders if all medicine students are uptight and knows not how to have fun. 

“Hanbin!”

Jiwon looks to the source of voice, and just “eeeey, if it isn’t Song Yunhyeong?”

A lot of people must really wonder sometimes why in such a hectic exam week, a second year medicine student can somehow look as decent as Yunhyeong. It’s a little bit upsetting, really.

“Hi Ji—my God, do you even own a mirror?”

“Aw, I’m fine, thank you.”

Jiwon can only witness when Yunhyeong doesn’t really pay attention to him, instead he’s trying to wake the glasses boy up, who is apparently hasn’t slept for like three days straight.

“Hanbin, the test begins in fifteen minutes, you gotta wake up!”

Jiwon heard the whine, followed by a sob. The glasses boy really is crying when Yunhyeong practically dragged him from where he is currently sleeping.

“I can’t do this... I can’t do verbal test... I don’t wanna do verbal test, please!”

His eyes are red, the glasses boy. Jiwon almost feels bad for the boy when he cries, but at the same time finds it adorable when he clings to Yunhyeong using his whole weight to fight the older boy’s strength.

“One more test, only this one more test and you’re done for the semester. I won’t let all the tutoring sessions go to waste, come on Hanbin.”

“What if I throw up in front of the professors? What if I just thud!,” he makes the noise that suppose to be the sound of a body falling, and Jiwon smiles at that, “...and die just like that?”

“Wow, that’s a wild imagination. Now you have to run across the building, 13 minutes to go.” 

The glasses boy looks surprised, his eyes get bigger and Jiwon can see how his eyeballs are clear coffee-colored and somehow they make him look young and innocent. He gathered his belongings and begins sprinting after giving Yunhyeong a quick hug and dramatically said a if I don’t come back in two hours, tell my sister I love her as if he’s going to a warzone. Jiwon chuckles a little to that, finding it a little bit amusing.

After the glasses boy leave, it’s then Yunhyeong who sits across Jiwon and leans his body to the back of the plastic chair. He looks tired, but still obviously more alive than most of second year students in exam weeks. Still more alive than Jiwon himself.

“How much are you paid for babysitting a grown ass boy?” Jiwon begins, he’s still having a hard time opening his eyes and still wants to sit lazily there in front of his coffee for the next few hours.

Yunhyeong chuckles, “He’s the freshman I tutored,” and then he looks at Jiwon from head to toe with judging eyes, “and you? Stop partying like animals, Jiwon, this is exam week, for God’s sake.”

That makes Jiwon laugh. This is why he calls Yunhyeong ‘mom’ sometimes, and from how he reacts to it, looks like Yunhyeong enjoys it too.

“It’s a reward, calculus is done for the semester!!” he claps his hands like a seal and Yunhyeong squints like he doesn’t believe in Jiwon, “Hey! It’s one of the hardest subject in engineering, okay, cut me some slack.”

“If I’m not wrong you still have two exams coming, why don’t you, I don’t know, study?”

“It’s only unimportant subjects like ‘introduction to materials’, who on earth wants to study for that,” Jiwon sips his coffee, “you know what? It’s you who needs to chill a little. Why don’t you come to the club where Namjoon works? It’s gonna be fun, plus, I am gonna play some music there too.”

“Ah, no no no. Since the projectile vomit accident back then I promised myself not to go clubbing anymore, especially not with animal like you, Kim Jiwon, I hate you.”

Jiwon remembers the accident and it can still make him laugh. It had been their first party as college student and Yunhyeong was just dumped by his highschool girlfriend. Went too much on drinking and Yunhyeong vomited all over himself in a dirty bathroom, went through hell walking to their dormitory tried not to get caught, and resulted in three days migraine plus a lot of embarrassing posts on social media. 

“Come on Yunhyeong... If not for you, do it for your freshman friend. Looks like he can use some good party to relax a little. Y’all med students are really like zombies in exam weeks, I feel bad for you guys.”

“You mean Hanbin? Hahaha, No. He’s got zero alcohol tolerance.”

“Then just don’t drink. Just enjoy the music and have fun. Come on man, it’s me making the music! It’s like... my debut or some kind.”

“And then what? You’re just gonna ditch school and make music? Thought your father wants you to be an engineer.”

“True that,” Jiwon grins, “but your man is a rebel.”

Yunhyeong can only cringe, “Please don’t ever call yourself my man in front of other people.” 

The grin on Jiwon’s face gets wider, he loves teasing Yunhyeong. 

“You really look like a wild bunny with those teeth and that long wavy hair. Purple, yikes. Get a haircut or tie it or do something about it,” Yunhyeong gathers his belonging and stands up ready to leave, “Imma go zombying in library for my own verbal test. I swear to God verbal test is everybody’s worst nightmare.”

“Saturday night at 9 PM, ‘kay? Bring glasses boy along too!”

Yunhyeong rolls his eyes, “Can’t promise anything.”

“Hey! My name is Bobby in the club so do not go around call me Jiwon!” he said half shouting before Yunhyeong gets further away from his table, only to be answered with a half ass wave without looking back.  
.  
.  
.  
Jiwon’s enjoying the night with a light drink in his hand, looking at the crowd singing and dancing to the music he arranged. He also gave a little performance because people kept insisting, they believed in Namjoon who said that Jiwon raps better than Eminem. Jiwon enjoyed it, the rush of adrenaline and the loud cheer from the crowd makes his heart thumps loudly in his chest, and it is one of the moments that make Jiwon believes that this is what he loves, what he wants to do for a really long time. 

The first time he held the microphone, it was cold against his hand. He was shaking and his knees were weak. But it was Namjoon who shouted his name first, Bobby! Bobby! and it was like fuel sprayed to the fire when the crowd began chanting his name—he’s even sure that they don’t even know who Bobby was, but they chanted anyway. When the beat dropped and his body began swaying with each thumps, it felt really like he’s merged with the music, the microphone had became a part of his body and verses rhymed out of his mouth just like that. 

That’s when the blurred line between Jiwon and Bobby started, although Jiwon still cringes when people he knows calls him Bobby. The name was still foreign, but good. He likes the name, he likes Bobby. If Jiwon is laid back, Bobby is free. 

Just when Jiwon about to walk to meet Namjoon and his other friends, his eyes caught the image of the glasses boy whom he met awhile ago, sitting on a bar stool, facing the bartender who are busy serving drinks. Only now, his glasses are gone, he’s wearing a black bomber jacket with white V-neck under it, black ripped jeans and sneakers. He looks... different than what Jiwon met back then at the cafetaria. He looks at least more alive, although the dark circle under his eyes are still visible. 

“Hey,” Jiwon started. The boy looks at him, still looks fine and sober, and maybe he’s really just here for the music and the fun, “aren’t you that med student, Yunhyeong’s junior?”

The other boy looks at Jiwon for a few moment before realization hits him, “Ah... yes. You know Yunhyeong?”

“Yeah, he’s my friend. We’re from the same highschool.”

“I see.” the boy turned his body to face the bar to start ordering, and what he orders actually shocked Jiwon. He remembers Yunhyeong telling him that his junior has zero alcohol tolerance, and he might have just ordered one of the strongest drinks in the club.

“Are you here with Yunhyeong?” Jiwon begins, only to make sure that this boy will have at least somebody to go home with. Jiwon knows how bad it is to get shitfaced without anybody to at least bring you home—he had learned from experience, he once got drunk badly, he woke up outside of the club with no wallet and no phone. Well, he was raised right and his morality told him not to let something that horrible happens to other people. Especially when that person is his bestfriend’s junior, somebody he might have known—if that even make sense.

“I was, but he’s gone with a girl. I don’t know her, though. Just call him if you want, but no guarantee he will pick up, the girl is pretty hot and he hasn’t got laid for awhile.”

The boy said without any care in the world. He looks bored, though, and Jiwon also want someone to talk with.

“I’m Jiwon, by the way.” Jiwon raised a hand for the boy to shake. He looks at Jiwon with a look that looks more tired than bored, and Jiwon just want the boy to grab his hand before it gets awkward.

The boy then smiles.

“I’m Hanbin.” He said, finally shaking Jiwon’s hand, “thought your name’s Bobby.”

Ah, so Hanbin actually had seen him performed to know that he’s Bobby, “Oh that... Haha... People calls me that, here...” he said, doesn’t know why gets a little shy about it. He guessed that it’s because he hasn’t used to the name yet.

“So it’s like a... club name? Music name? Stage name?”

Then Hanbin’s order arrived, and he received it with a small thanks.

“Yeah... sort of.” Jiwon cannot believe how awkward his laugh is.

Jiwon can see that Hanbin hesitates—he only stares at the drink in his hand for a few moments.

“Pretty strong drink you have right there, Bin.”

The younger boy paused for awhile, then he lets out a little laugh. Jiwon guesses the laugh is a sign that Hanbin maybe already knows about the drink, or maybe Yunhyeong had lied to him and actually Hanbin is one hella strong drinker and that kind of drink is nothing for him. 

“What? Did I say something funny?”

Hanbin laughs again, and Jiwon thinks his teeth are nice.

“No...,” he said, shaking his head a little, “You just called me ‘Bin’. My grandma calls me that.”

Well, that’s kind of cute, Jiwon thinks. Hanbin talks about his grandma very fondly. The thought of his own nana flashes Jiwon’s mind and he realizes how much he misses her. 

“Do you not like to be called that?”

Hanbin waves his right hand to Jiwon, nonverbally saying that it’s okay. “I don’t mind.”

“Really, that drink is strong. Trust me, I know by experience.” Jiwon said, finally decided to sit on a bar stool next to where Hanbin sits.

“Exactly,” Hanbin said, “Flunked two tests in a row, one group project presentation and one verbal test. Now I have to re-take two subjects next semester, which postpone another two subjects to next year, which possibly postpone graduation, postpone residency, postpone trainee period, basically everything. Not to mention four project mates who wish me dead now. Oh, also a pissed off father to come back home to.” He looks at his drink in front of him instead of Jiwon, and that does sound like a very shitty situation. “Don’t you think I deserve this, now, Mr. Bobby?”

“Well... I guess, if you put it like that...” Bobby hesitates, “but if you cannot hold your alco—”

Too late. Hanbin had chugged his drink in one shot, and he put down his glass with a growl.

“...well, there you go.” Jiwon can only sigh.

Jiwon can see how Hanbin’s face and neck turns red, how his eyes becomes heavy as his speech slowly begins to get slurred. So Yunhyeong didn’t lie. The younger boy really has zero alcohol tolerance, seeing him already worked up with only one glass.

And Hanbin then orders another one.

When the drink comes, he chugs it again like nobody’s business, and to be honest Jiwon is nervous for him. That would not end well.

“Ow ow... I think it’s enough now, young man,” It was Hanbin’s third glass when Jiwon decided to snatch the glass away. The freshman begins to breath heavily, his right hand travels to his neck and scrathes it until it’s becoming even more red than before. 

“...listen...,” Hanbin said, slurred, almost inaudible. Jiwon comes closer to listen better, “...I am so scared now... and nobody gets it...” he pauses and then leans his upper body on the bar just beside the empty glasses. 

“Scared of what?” Jiwon asks, curious. He cannot tell whether this is the alcohol talking or the inner Hanbin.

“...of many things... but guess what???” 

“What?”

Hanbin laughs and hiccups, then closes his eyes.

“It doesn’t matter...”

“Why doesn’t it matter?” 

Hanbin stays silent for a few seconds that Jiwon thought he is asleep. But then Jiwon can hear a sob. Jiwon also cannot tell whether Hanbin is just drunk, or he really is sad. Jiwon hopes it’s the first one.

“...because apparently...,” he sighs, “...I’m just... a drama queen... nothing... here... really... matters, y’know?”

“Says who?”

“...says... my mom...” he says quietly with a sigh, like it brings him physical pain and he’s trying to control it. 

What shocks Jiwon then is Hanbin’s bitter laugh, he combs his fingers through his messy hair, tugging it not so gently. 

“...I miss... my sister...”

That comes out barely above a whisper, but Jiwon can still understand it. The club is crowded and noisy, Jiwon had to lean so closely in order to listen to Hanbin’s rambling.

Hanbin’s skin is red and his eyelashes are long. Funny that Jiwon notices small things like this.

“You have a sister?”

Hanbin nods. “She’s really cute... and smart... and I miss her...”

“You can meet her on semester break,”

“No!!!” Hanbin shouts, and then he cries. “Can’t...”

“Why?” Jiwon doesn’t really know why he is curious and just converse with a drunk boy whom he barely knows. 

“...mom’s there... dad’s there too... I’m... scared...”

Jiwon really thought that Hanbin’s cry was merely a drunk cry, but the tears that falls makes him worried that it’s not. It’s sadness, it’s something he had hidden for sometime and he cannot help but to let it out when he’s not sober.

Jiwon wanted to know what makes Hanbin cries, but then again, he only knows the other boy for a few hours. 

“...Jiwon...”

It’s the first time Jiwon hears his name being called by the other boy, and he hopes it’s not weird that he finds it nice.

“Yeah?”

“...I feel... horrible...”

“Well, you did drink quite a...”

“...please... do something... it hurts...” 

“What hurts?”

“...my head... my... my heart...”

Then Hanbin gags. And Jiwon just know that he will experience Yunhyeong’s projectile vomit incident all over again. Only now, with different victim.  
.  
.  
.  
Jiwon likes afternoon sun, when the light turns bright orange and night starts to crawl very slowly. Jiwon likes to watch the soccer and cheerleader team practice from a bench on the shady side of the field, while he has a book and a pen on his lap to find inspiration for his lyrics or just simply listen to music. The wind is friendly, the sight of people running here and there makes him feel strangely energetic. 

He had sat for about half an hour with eyes closed and headphone on, when somebody taps on his shoulder. Jiwon opens his eyes to find a can of cold cola in front of his eyes, shoved by a glasses boy who wears white shirt and blue loose flannel. He has a white lab coat hanging on his red sling bag, while his other hand is playing with the bag strap on his chest. He has an ice bear band aid on the left side of his cheek, and Jiwon finds it silly but strangely cute.

“Bin?”

The other boy nods and shoves the can again, demanding Jiwon to take it, so he does. He mutters a quiet thanks while shifting to the side a little as an invitation for Hanbin to sit on the white bench. He takes off his headphone and closes his notebook, shoving them inside his backpack on the ground. 

“Thank you for yesterday. I hope I didn’t embarrass you, or do anything disgusting. I’m pretty weak with alcohol, so I might have troubled you a lot. Also, thank you for taking me to Yunhyeong’s place instead the dorm, you saved me from more troubles.” he said, a little bit shy and hesitate.

Jiwon laughs a little, he taps on the empty space beside him to get Hanbin to sit, and he does. Jiwon leans his body and straightens his legs, opening the can and sipping it slowly. He can feel Hanbin’s somewhat awkward stare, and notices how the younger boy plays with his fingers on his lap.

“Well, I learned from experience,” he said, “thankfully you are not a messy drunk like Yunhyeong.”

Hanbin sighs in relief, “Ah, I’m glad. I’m kinda worried if I puked on you or somebody else, it must have been pretty disgusting.”

Jiwon shakes his head, “well, you puked on the pavement when we waited for Uber. But nothing landed on me, haha, don’t worry.”

Hanbin flashes a hesitant smile, focusing his eyes on the fingers on his lap. “Did I... do or say anything weird?”

Jiwon sips his cola again and puts down the can, “Nope.”

“Thank God.”

“...but you cried,”

Hanbin paused, waiting for Jiwon to explain it more.

“...I’ve seen many people cry when they are drunk, but you...,” Jiwon makes gestures with his hands to try conveying what he wants to say, “...you looked so sad that it kinda... hurted me a little.”

Jiwon doesn’t know if it’s approppriate to tell someone he barely knows about that.

“Ah... sorry...”

Jiwon lets out a little laugh, “you apologized for what?”

Hanbin clears his throat, “...for being a burden. For... I don’t know, for making you sad because I cried. I honestly... well, I don’t know.”

They stay silent for a few seconds. Jiwon runs his fingers through his wavy hair, pushing it back so it doesn’t get to his eyes.

“...what are you so sad about?” Jiwon murmured while looking down on his lap, barely above a whisper, and doesn’t really demand for any answer. He didn’t even know if Hanbin can hear it. He just... cares. Or curious. Jiwon doesn’t really know. All he knows is that he couldn’t sleep thinking about how Hanbin had cried wordlessly on the long way to Yunhyeong’s apartment, how Hanbin somehow ended up leaning onto Jiwon for comfort, fisting Jiwon’s jacket and whimpered to his chest as if he’s physically hurting. 

Jiwon doesn’t look at Hanbin but he knows that the younger is looking at him.

“...well, I guess it was just the alcohol.” And then he lets out an awkward laugh. The laugh that makes Jiwon doubt the answer even more.

“I hope so,” Jiwon said, nodding his head and sincerely hoping that Hanbin is alright. Jiwon always thinks that his concern about other people comes from his good heart, and it also explains why he is so emotionally invested with the boy he only meet twice.

“Anyway,” Hanbin’s squeaky voice breaks the silence, “your lyric is awesome. I like that one song... Bounce? Yeah, Bounce. You’re really good.”

Jiwon says thanks, he doesn’t really know how to reacts to private compliment like this. If it was Namjoon, he’d be bumping shoulders or playfully hit him, but this is Hanbin. He doesn’t really know what to do because he finds Hanbin different than Namjoon, or Yunhyeong, or his other friends. He’s more... emotionally invested in Hanbin compared to his other friends and to be honest, it concerns him a little.

“...well, I think I’m gonna go now,” Hanbin said while standing up, “sorry to interrupt your time, I hope I don’t disturb the inspiration.” And Jiwon just smiles knowing Hanbin’s attempt to make a little joke.

It’s really awkward.

“See you around, Jiwon.” And with that, Hanbin turns his back and starts to walk away. 

It feels weird, Jiwon thinks. Seeing Hanbin’s back gets further away from him and he has no reason to hold him back from going away. Jiwon wants to, for reasons he also doesn’t know.

The previous night, Jiwon had patted Hanbin’s back when he retched to the pavement. He puked again to Yunhyeong’s toilet and cried there too. Jiwon had supported him to walk to the couch—where he always sleep if he’s spending nights there. Hanbin’s breath was fast, his right hand was placed on top of his left chest—where his heart sat, hiccups still wrecking his body. Jiwon had watched tears still fell even when Hanbin closed his eyes and tried to sleep, and without even realizing, he had wiped the younger boy’s temple with the back of his hand.

Jiwon honestly is still questioning a lot of things he did and felt, especially when it comes to Hanbin only after a quite few hours now after their first meeting..

“Bin!?”

The glasses boy turns his head to look at Jiwon, and there is something definitely weird when Jiwon finds that it’s nice.

“You wanna listen to my new song?”

Hanbin smiles. Jiwon still thinks that his teeth are nice.

“Sure.”  
.  
.  
.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi yall, the second chap is up.  
> Well please imagine Jiwon with his wavy purple hair here and Hanbin with his uwu college boy style in iKON TV
> 
> talk to me on twitter @runsoftbin!
> 
> until next time! XOXO


	3. 2018, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That’s just how it has always been. It happened so quickly and Hanbin couldn’t even recognize the end of it. Maybe some attacks didn’t end. Maybe they have no end.

[2018]

 

Chaos breaks in the emergency room once the ambulance arrived. There are people shouting orders, cries of pain, machine whirring, stretcher being pushed here and there. Hanbin’s mind was set to focus on his hands and his brain is working so fast that he can almost hear it. It is almost like automatic reactions how his vision narrowed to concentrate on his hands, how everything in his mind disappear just to make room to process patient per patient, and to work thoughtfully with endless needles and knives at the tip of his fingers.

 

There are sparks of blood on his glasses and mask, also splotch of red here and there on his light blue hospital scrub. He has been moving from one patient to another, since it is late at night and emergency room doctors are all occupied by patients from ambulance per ambulance that just keep on coming.

 

But it happened really quick; he was stitching a big gash on a teenage girl’s outer thigh when someone reached to grab his uniform. In split seconds a fist connected to his jaw and the force makes him fall to the ground, his back hits a cart sending it toppled over and make a mess on the white hospital floor.

 

Hanbin needs a minute to actually comprehend what just happened. He is so shocked that his ears are ringing, and when he looks up, three people already hold on to an angry yet sad looking man, probably in his forty, as he wants to jump on Hanbin all over again.

 

“You are all useless doctors, you all could have saved my son!”

 

_Useless._

In between the ringing of his ears, that one particular word makes its way through and it feels so familiar how Hanbin really wants to claw on his skin. The word had entered his brain and it wakes up something inside there, and then a horrible feeling comes back in full force that it blinds him for a few seconds.

 

“I’m… I’m so sorry,” his voice sounds raspy, but he is not even surprised. He isn’t really sure why he apologizes, but it just came out as if it is the only right answer to all anger that are directed to him.

 

“If you cannot save people why don’t you all fucking quit?! You are killing people instead of saving them!”

 

_Useless._

It was cold, suddenly. Hanbin’s chest feels so tight and the floor is too slippery. He cannot really see but he is not sure whether it is because he lost the glasses when he fell or it was just the tears.

 

He was trying to get up, having not enough courage to see directly to the man’s eyes. He can hear people coming, maybe also Yunhyeong and the securities.

 

Hanbin is not even in a full standing position when the man launched at him once again, only managed to reach his collar before the security pulls him away. He heard every profanity, and the look of hatred in that man’s eyes will haunt him for a long time, just like every bad thing that happened in his life.

 

Many pairs of eyes are looking at him at the moment and Hanbin feels small and exposed—like he’s a criminal instead of a victim. He faintly hears whispers, hushed voices that mention his name in any context and meaning he cannot help but think about. His legs are still shaking, the shock of the fall and all the jumbled thoughts inside of his mind suddenly weighs down on him ten times harder. His heart thumps so fast and loud and he is not sure that his ribcage can contain such a strong pulse, so he tries to soothe them by slightly massaging his left chest with his right hand.

 

Hanbin then makes a mistake of sweeping his eyes across the room—only to find people looking at him with different expressions. It’s probably pity, or mockery, or maybe even disgust. He wouldn’t know. The room is suddenly getting smaller and the whispers are getting clearer. If only Hanbin can distinguish which are people’s whispers and which are the memories inside his head.

 

_“what is wrong with doctor Kim?”_

He keeps hearing his name being mentioned and it echoed inside of his head. Hanbin knows that he needs to keep collected and finish with the patient he was handling before, but he really is not sure with the way his hands tremble and his heart that threatens to break at least four of his ribs.

 

“Doctor, are you okay?”

 

Is he, though? Hanbin looks at the nurse who has a concerned expression on her face. She must be demanding for answer because they _need_ to treat patients. But Hanbin is afraid that his weak knees will buckle when he takes just one step closer towards the stretcher.

 

“Doctor, can we continue?”

 

Hanbin knows that his breathing is getting faster and it is far from being a good sign. He wants to nod, to say _yes, we can continue,_ but his vision narrows and his hands are clammy—his body suddenly weighs hundred kilograms and his legs will not be able to hold him up so much longer.

 

“Doctor Kim, are you oka—”

 

Hanbin hisses at that one touch on his shoulder as if ice cold water had been poured from his head and soak his whole body, he had unconsciously jerked away from it. He needs to hold on to something, anything. He cannot let himself fall because he knows he will break down just like that—in front of everybody. That thought alone makes him even more panic, the hand on his chest can no longer contain his heartbeat, and _damn,_ now his legs are shaking.

 

“Doctor Kang, can you please handle this patient? I’ll take care of Doctor Kim, he’s probably injured from the fall.”

 

Hanbin knows that voice. He can hear the voice gets closer. Then he was being held on his waist and it shocks him, but then the voice whispers, “It’s me, it’s Yunhyeong, I’ve got you.”

 

Hanbin lets out a relieved sigh. He suddenly feels a lot more tired than before and he just wants to rest. He just let Yunhyeong helps him walk to wherever he wants to take him—he’s relieved. Yunhyeong had come before whole people in the emergency room witness him doubled over and breathless just because of a low blow from a frustrated man, and he’s forever thankful for him.

 

“Just a little more, we’re going to doctor’s room. You’re fine.”

 

Hanbin wants to believe in Yunhyeong, that _he’s fine, he’s fine._ But of course, the voice in his head and the memories, also the weak knees and heart that’s about to burst say otherwise.

 

_Now everyone in the hospital will know how weak I actually am._

 

Hanbin let Yunhyeong help him walk, but he has no strength nor courage to look up from the ground. The white tile seems never ending and the smell of alcohol reminds him about how badly he had messed up this time. Yunhyeong keeps mouthing things, barely above a whisper so he can still hear it, but not loud enough for other people to catch it. Hanbin wants to whimper—he’s so tired and now the pressure on his chest begins to hurt him.

 

The next thing he knows is that he sat on a narrow bed, it was the lower bunk in the small room that junior doctors often use to take an hour sleep after the shift ends. Hanbin’s left hand grips on the metal bar that connects the upper and lower bunk—it’s cold against his palm and he wonder why he’s still shaking.

 

“Take a deep breath,”

 

Hanbin just obeys and do as Yunhyeong said, patting his chest as it moves up and down in rhythm with his deep inhale and exhale. It was difficult at first, the breath was shaky and his lungs don’t seem to get full enough. It’s like the air just trapped inside a small part of his lungs and he tried to inhale again deeper to reach the missing parts—which only makes his breath gets even more shallow and fast.

 

“Hey…,” Yunhyeong kneels on the floor to be able to look at Hanbin’s on eye level. Yunhyeong grabs his free hand, squeezing it hard enough to get his attention but tender enough not to hurt, “Hanbin look at me.”

 

Hanbin still concentrates on breathing and he really feels like he would bawl his eyes out if he meets those concerned eyes of Yunhyeong. The scene feels awfully familiar and Hanbin is scared.

 

It feels like he’s been thrown so forcefully to the past and it terrifies him.

 

“Do you want to count? Count with me, okay?”

 

He tries, he really does. Something as silly as counting numbers from one to what he thought maybe infinity—sometimes he isn’t even sure he’s counting them right. Yunhyeong never corrects him even when he says the number nine after eleven, or the number four three times in a row. Yunhyeong never corrected him back then either. He’s just there, touching Hanbin as little as possible, but enough for him to feel that he’s not alone.

 

It takes more than ten minutes this time, and Hanbin knows that tears are streaming down his face without his permission. He lets them be. Maybe that way the heavy load on his chest will lighten, he can only hope.

 

Hanbin wants to say something but it comes out slurred as he tried to control his voice—not to get too loud, or to choke up from the tears.

 

“What is it?” Yunhyeong asked. One of his hand is still on the top of Hanbin’s right one, it’s just stays there not moving, only to let Hanbin know that he’s still there.

 

“…they saw everything, right? I was shaking, _shit,_ I flinched when people touched me. They know now, there’s no way that they don’t… Hyung, they can’t… they can’t know about this, you understand, right?”

 

“Sshhh, Hanbin!” his voice comes out a little louder than he intended to. Hanbin’s eyes were red and wet, dark irises shook with fear and worry, “tell me slowly, try very slowly.”

 

Hanbin took a deep breath and exhale slowly, “People… they saw it… my breakdown. People will think I am crazy and incompetent now, I just—”

 

“Oh Hanbin…,” Yunhyeong looks at him in full concern and somehow it makes Hanbin feel bad, “nobody will think that you’re incompetent, God, you are great… One of the best one out there, Hanbin…”

 

“…but—”

 

Yunhyeong really gives him no chance, “No buts, just… No. I have been with you for so long and I know what I am saying.”

 

“No, no, listen… Hyung, listen…” Hanbin swallows, “Words travel so fast… I am scared what happened will reach my fa—”

 

“People only think you were hurt from the punch. Which you were. You were surprised, that’s all happened. Anybody will react like that, even _I_ will react like that. Nothing is wrong with you, you get me?”

 

_Useless._

Yunhyeong just don’t understand how he needs to claw on his skin and draw blood. He can hear his father says the same thing over and over again and it seems awfully like reality. Yunhyeong never have to prove anything—he’s great. He’s so great and his family will be proud with anything he does. But Hanbin doesn’t have that luxury. The bond he has with his parents clearly not the same as what Yunhyeong has with his own.

 

“Let me check your jaw,”

 

As the tip of Yunhyeong’s finger brushed his jaw, that’s when Hanbin can feel the pain of the blow he received. It probably has turned red or had left bruise on his pale skin, but this kind of pain is nothing. This kind of pain is good, it gives him time to concentrate and think that, ah, _ah it’s swollen, I busted tiny blood vessels, the capillaries are damaged and it’s trapped under the skin surface… the bruise will heal in three to five days, maybe less._

 

The more he thinks about science—how bruises form, how blood vessels repair themselves, how your body absorbs the leaked blood and how finally the bruise heal—the calmer he becomes. He sometimes would think about periodic table and the atomic numbers too. Jiwon said it will help to calm him down because Hanbin loves difficult things.

 

“Great, and now you are getting warm.”

 

It’s probably a sarcasm. Hanbin really can feel the back of his eyes getting warmer. Maybe that’s why he’s cold. Maybe it’s not the room AC, maybe it’s the fever.

 

“Rest a little,” Yunhyeong said, seeing Hanbin just nods obediently and lays down on the narrow bed. He doesn’t even bother to take off his white coat or change his still bloody hospital scrub, he’s just too tired and maybe sleep will come more easily with a rising fever.

 

“You want to go home? You want me to call Jiwon?”

 

Hanbin half groaned, “No, please… I’ll just sleep here, I’ll be fine.”

 

Lately, meeting Jiwon requires a lot of energy and Hanbin always has almost none left when he reached their apartment. Lately meeting Jiwon means he needs to suppress the need to talk, the need to touch, the need to just _hold me, please hold me,_ and fall asleep on top of the older man. Sometimes meeting Jiwon also means arguments, yelling things he knows it would hurt Jiwon and regrets it after. Lately meeting Jiwon means he cried himself to sleep.

 

All of them requires so much energy and Hanbin now is just so so drained.

 

Hanbin can feel Yunhyeong covered his body with a thin blanket that really just doesn’t do their job. But Hanbin can’t be bothered since thankfully the heaviness on his head had helped him to fall asleep much faster than he wished to.

 

He can still feel Yunhyeong caressing his thick black hair a little bit, murmuring things like _rest well,_ or _I’ll wake you up in a few hours._

 

That’s just how it has always been. It happened so quickly and Hanbin couldn’t even recognize the end. Maybe some attacks didn’t end. Maybe they have _no_ end.

 

But Hanbin’s eyes are a little bit too warm and his head is a little bit too heavy.

.

.

.

.

.

“Is Bin at the hospital?”

 

“Hi to you too, Jiwon.”

 

A sigh can be heard, and it’s frustrating on both ends, really.

 

“Yunhyeong, I’m sorry, but Bin is not home, it’s been two days... Is he in full day shift again?”

                                                          

“Why don’t you ask him yourself?”

 

“Yun... I bet you know it already at this point. We are... we sort of...,”

 

“Jiwon, listen...,” Yunhyeong sighs yet again, and Jiwon at the other end of the phone call gets even more nervous, “I don’t know what is happening between you guys, but this is not healthy at all,”

 

Yunhyeong knows that he really needs to talk to his best friend about this because he’s worried, “Hanbin will stay at my place tonight, he’s running a fever.”

 

Jiwon dares not to say anything. Deep down in his chest it’s heavy. He promised to be there for Hanbin in times like this. But then again, he had broken so many promises so what’s the point of it now?

 

“…Jiwon, I’m afraid that... it’s like college all over again, you know what I mean, right?” there is a pause, but Jiwon dares not to interrupt.

 

“...he’s... going through a lot right now, with work, assignments, the things with his family, and this thing with you... If I have to be honest, he needs you a lot right now, and you know being himself he would never ask for that specifically,” Yunhyeong paused again and he’s thinking about how to say what’s on his mind without sounding like he’s blaming Jiwon, “Don’t get me wrong, okay, he didn’t tell me anything even when I asked, but I know both of you guys for a long time already. Of course, I don’t know the story from your end, but Jiwon... all I can say is that he needs support, that’s all.”

 

“Thank you, Yun, really. I’m... I am going to go pick him up from your place, okay? Is he sleeping?” Jiwon’s voice sounds heavy, either he’s sleepy or worried, or just sort of both.

 

“No, I think it’s better for him to stay here tonight, he’s... he is sort of cooling down right now. Today at the ER was rough, and he...,” Yunhyeong paused yet again, and Jiwon just knows it’s not good news that’s followed, “he had an... episode today after an argument with a patient’s family, it was ugly.”

 

“...what?”

 

It's something that Jiwon had faced a lot of times, but each time still makes him as worried as it was when he watched how bad the _episode_ was.

 

“Calm down, he’s okay now. It’s not like what it was back then, and I’m going to keep an eye on him. His fever is sort of high but I gave him meds. He needs it anyway, hasn’t been sleeping properly in three days or something. I’ll make sure he eats too.”

 

And now it’s Jiwon who paused, “Thank you, Yunhyeong. Everything is just... all over the places right now, but believe me I am working on it. Please take care of Bin for me. He’s... he gets cold at night so give him extra blanket. Don’t give him milk, he’ll throw up and he hates it. If he cries in his sleep just make sure he knows that you’re there with him. I’m... I’m going to hang up now.”

 

Again, there is a pause. Jiwon always hate the sound of clock ticking—it only makes him realize that he’s alone where he shouldn’t have been. It reminds him how he always watches the clock to know what time is it and when should Hanbin take his meds.

 

How he wishes things are different.

 

“Jiwon, just... calm yourself down, okay?”

 

How to? Jiwon doesn’t know how.

 

“Yeah, I’ll try.”

.

.

.

.

.

[TBC]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> Well maybe one day I will explain why I write this. For instance, mental condition in medical fields (among doctors or nurses) tend to be considered taboo to admit. Well you see, doctors are the most stressful job in the world. They have it very rough. Insane working hours, expectations from patients, the need to continue to learn, the competition between colleagues… It’s never ending. I have a friend who is a doctor, in junior days she cried every single day, with barely enough sleep. Well, I don’t know what I want to achieve here, and I am no expert in anything medical, but I did my research, interviews, journal learnings…
> 
> Maybe there is one or two things yall can get from this story. Or if not, you can just enjoy the pairings. 
> 
> I wish everybody will get better! 
> 
> That’s all for now,  
> XOXO


	4. 2012, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is this fabric softener smell that Jiwon’s brain has associated with Hanbin, and somehow it reminds him of his mother’s pile of fresh laundry.

[2012]

 

There is this fabric softener smell that Jiwon’s brain has associated with Hanbin, and somehow it reminds him of his mother’s pile of fresh laundry.

 

“Good afternoon to you, Doc,”

 

And Jiwon hears a whine of protest when Hanbin proceeds to sit on the chair next to him. He wears button up shirt underneath a grey sweater and his hair is styled neatly today. It’s a good hairstyle on Hanbin because Jiwon thinks Hanbin’s forehead looks nice.

 

“Don’t call me that,” he said while putting his laptop and cellphone on the table. The library is nearly empty in lunch hour, especially in Jiwon’s self-claimjed private spot on one corner by the biography section. Nobody will shush them for having normal voice conversation. Sometimes he likes to write lyrics, or take a nap, or really study because at the end of the day he still has to pass the subjects.

 

“Why?”

 

Hanbin sighs when he unlocks his phone, paying little to no attention to Jiwon who sits with legs folded while scribbling on a disastrous looking small note. The usual Hanbin always looks tired after horrible morning classes, but he would be up and determined after fifteen minutes of nap he tries to fit between classes. Jiwon had figured the pattern since Hanbin started to join him sitting in the library at lunch hours, saying that it’s a great place to hide because it is a little bit secluded in the far back of all sections.

 

“I don’t know…, it reminds me of all these responsibilities. Feels like a burden, I don’t know.”

 

Jiwon nods in acknowledgement, mentally storing the information to things that he shouldn’t do. Hanbin types on his phone a little too aggressively, Jiwon noticed. He also looks more nervous than tired, and Jiwon finds it unusual that he doesn’t go straight to his nappy session once he arrived. Jiwon figures maybe there’s something bothering Hanbin when he taps his phone so seriously, and then he slowly lifts his left hand only to gnaw on the cuticles of his little finger.  

 

He looks more and more nervous as time passes, and Jiwon can see him switching finger to gnaw on, as the little finger had bled a little.

 

“Don’t do that,” Jiwon reached to Hanbin’s hand and tries to stop him from literally chewing on his fingers, “is there something wrong?” he then asked, and Hanbin nods without looking at him.

 

“Yea, my father’s here.”

 

Jiwon always has that question for months now.

 

“Your father?”

 

Then Hanbin’s phone rings and he picks it up so hurriedly. His expression changes so suddenly and Jiwon swears he can see Hanbin’s face gets even paler.

 

It was such a short phone call that Hanbin only says yes a few times, and chew on his bottom lip for the rest of it. He hangs up after only like a minute.

 

From the look of it, Jiwon can take a conclusion that Hanbin isn’t really happy of his father being at the university. But the next question is, what is his father doing here? It’s not like Hanbin has something to be afraid of if it comes to his academic performance. Yes, he messes up here and there but as far as Jiwon knows Hanbin is still one of the smartest in his year.

 

Without paying much attention to Jiwon and his curious look, Hanbin dials a number and put the phone to his ear again.

 

“Is he still in your class?”

 

Jiwon cannot help but to observe how Hanbin look neater than he usually is, but somehow messier. Like his mind is all over the places and he cannot seem to really pay attention to his surroundings. He looks distracted and worried, and if Jiwon links this to his father being in the university, more questions are coming.

 

Hanbin takes his glasses off and massages the bridge of his nose with his free hand.

 

“Did he ask you anything about me?”

 

And Hanbin hangs up after a minute, looking a little bit relieved now that he slumped his upper body on the table, letting out a really heavy sigh. He uses his left hand as pillow, facing Jiwon who is still watching his every move. But Hanbin closes his eyes then, doesn’t really pay attention to the curious look Jiwon had been throwing at him since he arrived.

 

“So you’re just not gonna tell me why you’re so tense like this?”

 

“Ah… sorry. My father was here. Kinda fucked up with my mood and everything.” Hanbin doesn’t even bother to open his eyes.

 

“Why is your father here and why are you so tense? It’s even worse than ten minutes before verbal test.”

 

“He’s the guest lecturer, and now about all first and second year med students are in the hall for his lesson.”

 

“Then the hell you doing here?”

 

Hanbin breathes deeply and then exhale. His speech has gotten a little bit slurred, means that he’s minutes away from sleeping.

 

“Running away.”

 

“I don’t get it,” Jiwon said, “I mean, he’s your father, what’s the worst can happen?”

 

Hanbin opens his eyes and immediately rises up and face Jiwon, he clearly looks a little bit annoyed by the question. His eyes get narrow when he’s looking at something that pisses him off—just like how he looks at people who tug too harshly on their dog’s lash.

 

“He can see me.”

 

The answer is firm, and Hanbin looks like he’s going to get mad if Jiwon keeps bugging him.

 

Jiwon is a curious person by nature, and he has tendency to ask a lot of questions to satisfy his curiosity. There are a lot of things he wants to know about Hanbin; how his mind works, how he sees the world, how he handles his fears, how he sleeps so soundly and what he dreams about. But out of all things he wants to know, the only thing that keeps bugging him is why he cried at that night of their first meeting. The sadness was so real and the tears he shed seeped through Jiwon’s chilly little heart.

 

“Okay, geez, I will not ask any more questions if you’re gonna be this scary about it.”

 

Jiwon comes back to his disastrous notebook to avoid Hanbin’s eyes, scribbling things that only himself can actually read. He then hears a groan from the boy beside him followed by a thud, the sound of Hanbin slamming his forehead not so lightly on the table.

 

The thing about Jiwon is he sympathize a lot about people, but he has no clue of how to actually show it, let alone to do something to help. The next thing he knows is his hand already on Hanbin’s nape, caressing it lightly aiming to transfer some positive energy, or just to let the latter knows that he actually sympathizes, not only curious.

 

Jiwon swears he heard Hanbin’s little purr, but maybe it’s just his mind playing tricks on him as usual. He’s never one hundred percent awake so maybe it’s the hallucination from lack of sleep.

 

But Hanbin’s body does relaxes a little, how his shoulders hunch down even more as he exhales. Jiwon hopes it’s not weird, but Hanbin’s nape is so soft against his palm? Or it’s just his palm that is too rough?

 

“I’m sorry Jiwon, it’s just…,” Hanbin rises up again, adjusting his seat to face Jiwon but eyes locked on anything that is not Jiwon’s face, “listen, my father is an alumnus who helped build this faculty’s reputation back then. He’s a respected doctor and somehow now is in the health ministry. Almost all of the lecturers here were his friend, you know what that means, right? I fucked up a lot and that will definitely reach his ears. He has all this reputation to maintain and an incapable son just won’t go well with the image, you get the picture now?”

 

Out of all the new information of Hanbin that he tried to store in his brain, Jiwon cannot believe that it’s how Hanbin really thinks of himself. All these stress and gloomy mood is because he thinks he’s fucked up in some ways and he thinks that it’s his obligation to maintain his father’s reputation.

 

“You are not incapable, you’re one of the best in your year.”

 

“I fucked up last semester and by this point everyone is talking about me behind my back that I’m here because of nepotism. I actually heard with my own two ears that people whisper about me, suspicious about my grades got marked up when I enter the university.”

 

“Well, but that’s not true, right?”

 

“I worked my ass off I got admitted to hospital twice in a month.”

 

Jiwon raised his left eyebrow in confusion and disbelief, “Damn, Bin… You really lived like this?”

 

“You see now where this came from, right? I cannot let people think like that about me, most importantly, I cannot let my father hear any of these fucked up things about me from people.”

 

“Who cares what people say, you’re still better than they are.”

 

Hanbin groans and he runs his fingers through his hair, messing it up a little.

 

“My father does, big fucking time!” Hanbin’s breath gets faster, “damn, you just cannot understand, can you?”

 

“Hey, I am just saying that—”

 

“Why did I even think you, out of all people, will understand this?” Hanbin collected his laptop and handphone, getting ready to leave, “You live without expectation, everything is easy for you.”

 

“Hey, hey, Bin, you know it’s not about that,”

 

Jiwon had grabbed Hanbin’s upper arm by then, demanding attention from the younger boy. Being the laid-back person he is, Jiwon never really feel the need to deal with angry people. Most of the time Jiwon will not really notice how people got angry at him, not if they don’t tell him in person. But right now, Hanbin’s anger feels like his responsibility somehow, maybe because it’s caused by his continuous questions. Maybe because he failed to understand how Hanbin feels. Or maybe just because Jiwon doesn’t want Hanbin to get angry at him, that make sense, right?

 

“I need to go.”

 

That sounds very cold on Jiwon’s ears.

 

“Come on, dude, Bin, look… I’m sorry, alright? I didn’t mean to upset you even more. Really.”

 

“Yea, I just… I need to be alone now.”

 

Jiwon loosen his grip a little, but when he feels Hanbin slipping away, he reaches out to him again.

 

“We are cool, though, right? I mean… You’re upset now, but we’re… we’re—”

 

There is a pause, and Jiwon can feel his stomach churns a little from the way Hanbin looks at him. His tired eyes still look sharp, and Jiwon hopes that it is not his hallucination when he sees those eyes soften a little.

 

“…yeah. We’re cool, Jiwon.”

 

Jiwon doesn’t even realized that he holds his breath, and when Hanbin flashes him a faint smile—veeery faint, he almost cannot see it—that’s when he can actually let out a loud exhale.

 

Jiwon almost doesn’t want to loosen his grip on Hanbin’s upper arm, but he needs to. Once Hanbin’s arm slipped away from his grip, the younger boy just goes away like that, without looking back at him.

 

And when Hanbin disappears, only then Jiwon thinks about how it’s totally unlike him to get worked up upon someone getting mad at him. But apparently Hanbin is a different case. It’s so weird that the softness of Hanbin’s nape lingers on his palm. Also the smell of fresh laundry, he smells… clean, and it reminds Jiwon of days where everything is good and nice. Jiwon doesn’t even know if that’s understandable, though. Hanbin is a mass of weird feelings and habits Jiwon doesn’t know he can—or should—feel.

 

.

.

.

 

_“My head is gonna explode. Drown me in Han river or something.”_

Jiwon hasn’t even said hello, yet Hanbin’s usual mumbling voice sounds really like an order instead of a request.

 

“Ask Yunhyeong. I can’t go to jail, I have dogs to put through college.”

 

There is a small chuckle, and Jiwon thinks it’s better than nothing at all.

 

_“I’m on the bench outside your faculty building.”_

“Don’t engage with anybody there. They dislike med students.”

 

_“Oh, like we don’t hate yall too.”_

Jiwon had shoved his belongings into his backpack and half running out of his empty class, actually risking his life by going down three stairs at once.

 

_“Run faster you loser.”_

Jiwon doesn’t even know why he’s running. It’s not like Hanbin will disappear if he just takes the stairs like a civilized human being. But it’s been a week since the last time Hanbin joined him in their library corner. Every day in that one-week Jiwon had thought about contacting Hanbin first, but it would seem too needy. He had thought about visiting his dormitory, but that would be too pushy. So he settled with what he thought normal Jiwon would do, which was staying cool as if nothing happen. At first it was a little bit difficult and confusing, how he wanted so bad to just wait outside of Hanbin’s lab—only to say hi and then go. But then without him knowing, a week had passed and when Hanbin’s number flashed on his phone screen, he wasted no seconds to immediately pick it up.

 

The first thing he sees was Hanbin’s back. He’s wearing the uni’s grey hoodie, with black bag slinging across his shoulder. Hanbin turns around just before Jiwon about to yell his name, and it makes Jiwon taken aback of how Hanbin was smiling to his direction. His thick black hair is down, the bangs had reached the upper frame of his round glasses. Jiwon almost stop moving at all. He thinks about how Hanbin’s hair had grown a lot in the span of one week, it’s endearing, really.

 

“…’sup,”

 

“Hey, your hair grows so fast,”

 

Funny that the first thing Hanbin said to him was exactly what he has in mind about the other boy.

 

“Yea, one week is a pretty long time.”

 

Jiwon notices Hanbin’s smile dims a little when he looks at the ground. It’s barely noticeable, really, but at this point Jiwon finds it interesting that he can notice the slightest change in Hanbin’s expression. Maybe it’s the observant part of himself, or maybe it’s just Hanbin who is very easy to read. Jiwon is more comfortable to think that it’s the latter.

 

“Done with your classes? It’s actually pretty early.” Jiwon said, trying to start another normal conversation at least to lighten the mood a little.

 

“Yeah, it’s nice. My brain is kinda on fire right now.” Hanbin said with a chuckle and a part of Jiwon is so glad that at least he’s back being the Hanbin he knows. The Hanbin that looks lazy and is easily amused by Jiwon’s behavior.

 

“Good thing that my brain cells are limited in number so even if every each of them is on fire, my head is still cool.”

 

Hanbin makes a choked sound, looking amused by Jiwon’s thoughtless remark. Sometimes he really makes faces as if he cannot believe Jiwon’s silly opinion about lots of things. One of Hanbin’s eyes gets smaller than the other when he laughs, and Jiwon is restoring that information carefully in his memory.

 

“That’s a weird way to cope with things.” he says then, voice still laced with pressed laughter.

 

Jiwon shrugs, “not stupid as long as it’s working.”

 

Hanbin’s laughter is weird, Jiwon finds. He’s got a dimple on his left cheek—and one faint one on his right cheek but it’s barely noticeable unless he smiles so wide. His cheekbones are prominent, and the sound he makes gets Jiwon to laugh too. It’s a nice look on him, makes him look even younger than he really is.

 

They begin to walk, and even though Jiwon still doesn’t know where they are heading, he follows anyway. It’s kinda nice, after a week that feels longer than it actually should.

 

Sometimes Jiwon wonders if he feels this way about his other friends too. Yunhyeong, for example, or Namjoon. But he can swear that he can live if he only meets Yunhyeong like once a year, and he can go up to ten years without meeting Namjoon. He guesses maybe because Hanbin is younger, so he feels a little bit protective towards the other. He does tend to be all big-brothery towards his younger friends since he really wants to have younger brother since he was little.

 

 Maybe that’s the case with Hanbin too, he hopes.

 

“Hey,” Jiwon stops walking under the shade of a big tree, “I cannot drown you in Han river—I mean, I don’t think I can drown anybody there, man, too many witnesses. But do you want me to drown you somewhere else?”

 

Hanbin looks confused for a moment, but his eyes then sparks with curiosity.

 

“Well,” Hanbin shrugs, “I will take what you can give.”

 

Jiwon signaled them to walk to the opposite direction, “Cool!”

 

.

.

.

 

“How in the world you have the access to college’s indoor swimming pool?”

 

Jiwon doesn’t really pay attention to Hanbin as he runs towards the large and empty swimming pool, cannon-balling with legs folded that resulted with water splashing everywhere.

 

He doesn’t really bother to go change into swimming trunk in the locker room or store his belongings like a normal pool user. Jiwon just throws his backpack to the side of the pool and then takes his shirt and pants off, leaving him with only boxer shorts.

 

“I was in the club in my first year,” he said while enjoying the water. If Jiwon is hyperactive on the ground, he can be twice as hyper in water.

 

Jiwon noticed Hanbin’s face, still clutching on to his precious black bag.

 

“Isn’t it like… illegal to swim here without permission?”

 

“Technically, yes. But I have my way. You’re safe with me.”

 

His words shocked Jiwon too.

 

As usual, he doesn’t really think about what he’s saying, but the wordings really make it sound like Jiwon is going to protect the younger boy—and he really hopes that Hanbin doesn’t find it weird.

 

Jiwon lets out a breath of relief when Hanbin just takes his glasses and hoodie off, throwing them on the same pile of Jiwon’s clothes. He shyly takes off his pants too, leaving him with a black boxer short. He crosses his hands in front of his chest, shying away from Jiwon like a teenage girl.

 

“Oh, come on dude, there’s nothing to be shy about, it’s just me!”

 

“I am not shy!” Hanbin barks, inducing a hysterical laugh from Jiwon. Hanbin is still on the same spot, and Jiwon knows he’s still thinking whether to jump into the pool or not. His expression is funny, Jiwon thinks. Looks like he’s thinking hard, at the same time shy and hesitate. It’s a unique look on him and it really amuses Jiwon.

 

“Don’t worry about changes, I have plenty of dry _and clean_ clothes in the locker.”

 

“Okay, okay. Tell me it’s not deep.”

 

“It’s fine! Look!”

 

Jiwon then stands up straight, showing that the water only reaches his shoulder. It should be fine for Hanbin who’s only one or two centimeters shorter than him.

 

“Okay, right. It’s fine. Alright.” Hanbin chanted, hands still covering his chest area. He’s really as skinny as Jiwon thinks, maybe he needs a few more kilograms and gain a little bit more muscle.

 

“Aw man you’re taking forever.”

 

“Shut up Jiwon. If we get caught you will be responsible for this.”

 

“We won’t!”

 

“You don’t know that!”

 

“I do!”

 

Jiwon rolls his eyes and proceed to get out of the pool, running straight to Hanbin. The younger boy shakes his head as he already knows why Jiwon comes towards him, and he lets out a loud shriek as Jiwon easily lift him from the ground and carries him as if he weighs nothing.

 

“Jiwon, dude, let me down, man, HEY!”

 

The warning is too late since Jiwon had thrown Hanbin to the pool while laughing hysterically. He stops laughing after a few seconds, though, waiting for Hanbin to come to the surface. For a split second he’s a little bit worried, but then he remembers that it’s just 160cm-ish deep and no serious harm can be done by throwing a grown ass boy into the water.

 

Hanbin resurface with a loud gasp of air and Jiwon lets out a sigh of relief. He’s coughing and his face is red, probably just inhaled or swallowed the water. Jiwon then proceeds to dive head first to the pool, straight to Hanbin’s direction.

 

When he was about to resurface, his head was being pushed down and Jiwon’s first reaction was to laugh until he swallows a good amount of water. He needs to admit that Hanbin is quite strong too, tackling him to the water immediately after he succeeded to resurface and gasped for air.

 

“You tryna kill me, man?”

 

“Yeah, ain’t nobody will know. No witnesses around here.”

 

“You’re the fucking worst,”

 

“You literally lift me up like a sack of cement or whatever and throw me away just like that, and I am the worst one?”

 

And the bickering continues, followed by swimming race and competition to hold breath under water. One thing that Jiwon notices is that they are both really competitive, no one will let the other win until they _have_ to stop since they are too tired. Maybe it’s an hour later until they just chill at the corner of the pool, closing their eyes and enjoy the water.

 

“This is better than to be drowned in Han river.” Hanbin said, and Jiwon just chuckles.

 

“I know, right. I used to do this a lot, but then I got busy.”

 

There is a pause then.

 

“The last time I do this probably like two years ago, with my sister.” Their voice sounds louder in the large indoor swimming pool. Jiwon can hear Hanbin’s breath, and then he opens his eyes and looks at Hanbin who is leaning his head to the side of the pool with eyes closed. Just then he realizes of how… nice Hanbin’s face structure is? Like his jawline, his nose bridge, his cheek bones, his forehead, and his wet jet-black hair that is pushed to the back.

 

“She likes water too. I learned to swim because of her, you know, to protect her in case she’s drowning.” Hanbin smiles and Jiwon can see his dimples, “But turns out she’s a better swimmer than I am.”

 

Jiwon notices that the conversation about his sister always brings Hanbin this kind of smile. The warm and proud smile. It’s really obvious that Hanbin loves her _very_ much. Hanbin looks happy every time he tells Jiwon stories about her. But Jiwon doesn’t really pay attention to the content, though. He’s busy remembering how Hanbin eyebrows look neat, not too thin, not too thick. His eyelashes are long and slightly curled, make him look innocent somehow.

 

“Already miss her even though I met her just a few days ago.”

 

So Hanbin went home last weekend. That’s something he doesn’t do often, from what Hanbin told him.

 

“You went home?”

 

Hanbin sighs, “Yeah… Father wants to “talk”. Made me nervous and all…”

 

“Did he say anything after his visit last week?”

 

Hanbin only hummed.

 

“Told me to keep my grades up, not to slack off… The usual stuff I can already recite perfectly without script.”

 

They both are silent after that. Jiwon doesn’t really want to ask Hanbin about his family anymore because he can sense that it makes him uncomfortable. So he just keeps silent and plays the water with his hands.

 

“Must be nice,” Hanbin begins, “…to live like that.”

 

“…like what?” Jiwon asks, genuinely not have any idea about what Hanbin about to say.

 

“Like there’s no burden. As if you’re free.”

 

Jiwon chuckles, and then Hanbin opens his eyes to look at him. Jiwon pushed his wavy and slightly long purple hair to the back, keeping them from covering his eyes.

 

“Some burdens you cannot really see from the outside, Bin.”

 

Jiwon’s voice comes out soft, and somehow his thought flies to all those burdens he refuses to discuss with anybody who is not family. There is a flash of sadness but quickly Jiwon shoo it away. He had learned that being sand and overthink will not lighten the burden, so he just smiles.

 

“Ah, yeah… That’s true, I guess…”

 

They enjoy the silence and the sound of water for a little bit more.

 

“You make me forget my problems for while there, Jiwon.” Hanbin said, “Thank you.”

 

And the respond Jiwon thinks appropriate is to laugh. This sort of thing makes him feel awkward.

 

“Aw man, gross…”

 

They both laugh, and Jiwon still think that Hanbin’s laugh is contagious. His eyes make crescent shape with one is slightly bigger than the other. His left dimple is slightly more prominent than his right one.

 

.

.

.

 

“Here, take my jacket. Sorry to splash too much water until your hoodie gets wet.”

 

Jiwon hands Hanbin his orange jacket, the one with the word ENGINEERING printed on the back. It is Jiwon’s faculty jacket.

 

“Dude, seriously? My friends will look at me weirdly if I wear a big ass ENGINEERING when I carry around my lab coat.”

 

Jiwon sighs.

 

“Or you can go around with wet hoodie on this cold and windy afternoon and get pneumonia, that’s also fine with me.” Jiwon folds the jacket again and shoves it back to his locker. Good thing that he’s got many friends in swimming club, even though he’s not an active member anymore he still has a locker for himself where he keeps swimming trunks and clean clothes. “I was just trying to be a nice person who takes responsibility of the mistakes he did.”

 

“I am still not wearing that.”

 

Jiwon shrugs and closes his locker door, zipping his backpack and then swing it on his shoulder.

 

“Okay.” Jiwon said. Hanbin can be really stone-headed and Jiwon knows better than to waste his energy forcing Hanbin to do things he says he doesn’t want to. “Let’s go.”

 

Jiwon was about to walk out of the locker room, and Hanbin was still on the same spot holding onto his wet hoodie. He’s only wearing a thin t-shirt and black pants.

 

“C’mon, Bin.”

 

Jiwon can see Hanbin hesitates when he is about to wear the hoodie. He only manages to get it down until his neck when he lets out a frustrated growl.

 

“Argh, it’s really wet!”

 

Jiwon just shrugs, and that means “ _told you so”._

“Okay, okay, I’ll wear your stupid ENGINEERING jacket.” Hanbin said, but Jiwon is not amused.

 

“Fine. Hope you find pneumonia fun.” And Jiwon walks away, threatening to leave Hanbin behind.

 

“Arrrgh, sorry sorry!! Jiwon, mate, please let me borrow your jacket.”

 

It is so amusing for Jiwon but he’s not going to admit it out loud. Hanbin is whining like an angry toddler and he looks worried as if Jiwon will really leave him alone in the huge ass indoor swimming pool.

 

Jiwon takes the jacket from his locker and shoves it to Hanbin, who gladly takes and wear it immediately. The jacket of course will be too big for Hanbin since Jiwon himself prefer his jacket to be loose, and they have nearly similar body size. Yeah, only Hanbin is slightly skinnier. Jiwon’s got more muscle.

 

“Okay then I’ll definitely get bullied and I have to prepare my mental state.” Hanbin says, closing his eyes as if he’s praying.

 

“What do you mean?” Jiwon rolls his eyes at Hanbin’s antique.

 

“Don’t tell me you don’t know?”

 

“Don’t know what?”

 

Now it’s Hanbin who rolls his eyes. Jiwon finds it amusing but he decides to not laugh.

 

“In this university, there is an unwritten law that only _couples_ do this.” Hanbin points at the jacket, “Wearing another faculty’s jacket means that your significant other is from that faculty. Sort of.”

 

There is a pause and Jiwon thinks if Hanbin tries to listen more carefully, he will hear Jiwon’s brain working hard to process the information.

 

“But we’re not… a couple.”

 

Jiwon feels stupid why he said it hesitantly.

 

“We sure aren’t.”

 

“Who cares what people say? A jacket is to protect you from cold, that’s all! Not to symbolize that you belong to anybody. That’s stupid, Bin, you can do better than this.”

 

Hanbin pauses.

 

“Ah… I hate to admit that you’re right sometimes.”

 

When they are about to walk out of the building, Jiwon’s phone rings a little too loudly that it surprised Hanbin. Jiwon takes out the phone from his pants pocket. It’s an alarm.

 

“Hey Bin, I have to go. You’re fine walking to the dormitory by yourself, right?” Jiwon said, turning his alarm off after reading what’s written on the screen.

 

“Ah, sure.” Hanbin said, he looks a little bit confuse, yet curious. But he doesn’t say anything.

 

“I need to go home and accompany my dad to the hospital.”

 

After Jiwon said it, only then he asks himself why does he need to explain where he’s going to Hanbin. He doesn’t have to, and Hanbin doesn’t need to know. But he does anyway.

 

He’s getting weirder every time he’s near Hanbin.

 

“Is your dad sick?”

 

Hanbin looks concerned. His eyes get bigger and glistened with genuine curiosity and concern.

 

“Ah, just the regular appointment for hemodialysis.”

 

Jiwon can see Hanbin stunned for a second or two, and the looks of concern stays on his face.

 

Jiwon just smiles, doesn’t really want Hanbin to think too much about it.

 

“Ah, I need to hurry.” Jiwon said looking at his wrist watch. “Bye Bin, see you tomorrow!”

 

“Send my regards to your dad. I hope he feel better soon.”

 

Jiwon smiles and half runs to catch the earliest bus to go home. His chest is strangely warm although the weather is a little bit cold.

 

All he can remember is the smell of fresh laundry. Mismatched eyes. Dimples, one is more prominent than the other.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So I guess old habits die hard, huh?  
> Kinda hard for me to find inspiration for this piece.  
> I kinda just write and write and write, and this happens.
> 
> Also, imagine Jiwon with wavy purple hair, and Hanbin with fluffy dark hair and specs like the most part of ikontv.
> 
> Feel free to talk to me on twitter @runsoftbin. 
> 
> Thats all for now,  
> XOXO


	5. 2018, Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lately ‘love’ isn’t even enough anymore and it scares him how much he could lost.

[2018]

 

There is always this persistent need for Hanbin to claw his heart out of his chest.

 

To rot.

 

To be completely empty.

 

January nights are unwelcoming to those with equally cold hearts. To wounds that bleed open. To tiredness. To those who need places to come back to.

 

The streets are wet and glassy—it reflects the lights and if we look closer, maybe the stars too. But stars never really show up in the sky of a busy and glamour city like Seoul. Maybe stars have become a privilege for those who live in less worldly luxury, and Hanbin thinks it’s probably nice to get away from all this tangled world that is full of expectation.

 

He is supposed to arrive half an hour ago, and it’s so unlike him to be late on purpose to any occasion. But the heart was heavy—the bruise on his jaw has not even disappear yet. He’s got a bucket of white lilies on his lap, and he just smiles bitterly remembering all those days he came to the very same place bringing flowers he arranged himself.

 

Guess that times already passed too.

 

The taxi’s heater wasn’t enough to dry his black coat, but it can at least warm his thighs. Hanbin looks outside to those people who walk under the light rain, and remembers how back in the day Jiwon always carried umbrella in his backpack just in case it’s raining. Hanbin despised rain. And still does. The smell of rainy weather reminds him of sad songs and cold nights, gloomy sky makes him want to rot and be forgotten.

 

The next thing Hanbin knows is him standing in front of a door, controlling his breathing to at least calm himself a little. Right at the other side of the door is the person whom he wants to show only happiness to. Although he knows she probably understands that it is impossible for human being to only be happy. Although he knows that she probably will still love and accept him all the same even if he’s the saddest person on earth.

 

But maybe that’s the case about a relationship with loving parents, Hanbin thinks.

 

You so badly want to show them only happiness because you know it’s the thing that can make them the happiest.

 

And learning this through time, Hanbin slowly begins to understand.

 

His knock on the door is weak and slow. As he heard someone fumbling with the door lock, Hanbin takes one more breath and force a smile on his lips.

 

“Hanbin!”

 

How Jiwon takes after her so much, even the smile too. Hanbin should have known that once she hugs him, the smile just comes naturally. Is it the warmth, or is it because it’s the closest he can feel to Jiwon nowadays?

 

“Ma,”

 

But it is clearly the affection that Hanbin missed. The feeling of being held close by someone he loves.

 

Hanbin wants to protest when she pulls away from the hug. He then gives the flower to her in attempt to distract her from his bruised jaw. But who is he kidding? Of course, she saw it already.

 

“Baby what happened to your face?”

 

The caress is warm and tender, and it is sad that Hanbin cannot remember the feeling of his own mother’s palm against his skin. Her eyes are focused on the bruise, putting slight pressure on it a little too carefully so it wouldn’t hurt him. He smiles, shaking his head a little to show her that it’s not a big deal.

 

“Ah, this… Just a small accident at work, Ma. It looks worse than it really is.”

 

She doesn’t seem convinced, though. Her fingers linger a little bit more, then travelled to Hanbin’s jet black hair that is slightly longer than usual. If Hanbin reads right, there is a slight concern in her expression—and Hanbin wonders if she also can sense his tiredness. Hanbin wants to close his eyes, to take a rest a little with warmth of affection engulfing him bits by bits. But instead, he smiles.

 

“Let’s get inside. Let me make you something warm before dinner, okay?” She then helps Hanbin taking off his slightly wet coat, hanging it on the hanger just beside the shoe shelf. She then walks to the kitchen with Hanbin trailing behind her.

 

There is something about the smell of this house that gives Hanbin a sense of calmness. Of warmth. What Hanbin likes is the yellow lights, the wooden furniture and family portraits hanging on the walls. Of little Jiwon. Of the two brothers. Of the four of them. Of Jiwon’s graduation, with Hanbin there as well. Anyone would be able to sense how this simple house was filled with happiness—of warmth of the family. And it really pains Hanbin a little to remember that it’s just Jiwon’s mother now living there by herself.

 

Hanbin sits on one of the chairs in the dining room—his usual spot when he’s there, right beside where Jiwon always sits. He remembers how Jiwon would reach for his hand and pinned it to his thigh, so Hanbin will not dig his nails to his own palm out of nervousness.

 

Jiwon’s mother comes with a cup of hot tea, placing it on the table and then takes a sit just beside Hanbin. He mutters a short thanks before picking up the cup, inhaling the calming smell of lemon and a little bit of honey and smiles when the familiar taste reaches his tongue.

 

Hanbin can never make tea exactly like this, even though he had tried multiple times in his efforts to calm Jiwon when he’s sad or upset. He wonders if it’s him, or it’s just a touch of a mother that he can never duplicate.

 

But then again, Jiwon never said anything about his tea. He is a simple man, Jiwon once said. There is nothing ‘absolute’ in Jiwon’s dictionary, everything is simple, chill, laid back, flexible. One slice of lemon or two, a teaspoon of honey or none at all, it is Hanbin’s tea, he said. He’s already thankful for the fact that Hanbin always stands beside him, rubbing a gentle hand on his nape all the way up to tangle his fingers on Jiwon’s thick hair.

 

Hanbin can still feel how soft Jiwon’s hair is on his fingertips and the thought make him want to claw on his skin.

 

“Have you told Jiwon you’re already here? That kid, he’s always late. Given days off that long he’ll just sleep days and nights away.”

 

“Not yet, ah, I came straight from the hospital.”

 

Hanbin doesn’t really know what to say—he hasn’t met Jiwon for days. He doesn’t even know whether Jiwon remembers their dinner appointment or not. He doesn’t even know whether Jiwon is sleeping in their apartment or just spending nights in Namjoon’s recording studio.

 

“Let me call him,” she takes out her phone and dials Jiwon’s number, and typical her, she just put it on speaker and put the phone on the table.

 

“When is he coming back to the rig?” she asked between the dial tone.

 

Hanbin doesn’t really know the answer to that question. He doesn’t know when had he stopped counting days and months for Jiwon’s departures and arrivals. So ironic that all he did months ago was crossing out the dates on calendars marking days and days he spent waiting for Jiwon to come back from his offshore duties.

 

His thoughts fly to those days when all he can think about one breath after waking up, is how new days means a day closer to meeting Jiwon.

 

But meeting Jiwon now hurts more than being without him back then.

 

But meeting Jiwon now makes his chest burn from all the feelings he suppressed, from all the _please stay_ and the _I’m tired, please hold me_ that die even before he’s brave enough to look at Jiwon’s eyes.

 

_“Ma?”_

That voice sends chill down Hanbin’s spine—that sleepy voice is what he always hears every time he called to wake Jiwon up, because he knows Jiwon never sets alarms.

 

“Jiwon, where are you? Dinner is almost ready and Hanbin is here already.”

 

There is a pause after that, Hanbin thinks maybe it’s because the mention of his name. Or maybe Jiwon just isn’t fully wake up yet.

 

_“Bin is there?”_

The sleepy voice is gone completely, replaced with a very conscious tone. Almost surprised, even. Hanbin imagined Jiwon sitting up immediately, knowing that he’s already late to yet another appointment with Hanbin’s presence.

 

_“Oh shit…,”_

“Language, Jiwon.”

 

_“Sorry, Ma, I fell asleep. I’m at the apartment. I’ll be there in fifteen.”_

“Oh, Hanbin, wait, I am gonna have to check the oven right now. Just tell him to come soon and drive safe.”

 

With that, Jiwon’s mother half runs to the kitchen, leaving Hanbin there with Jiwon still on the call. Hanbin knows that Jiwon probably heard that, and he’s probably aware that it’s both of them on the call now.

 

_“Bin?”_

How long has it been since the last time he’s on a call with Jiwon? How long has it been since the last time he picked up Jiwon’s call?

 

Hanbin used to be so good at keeping track of everything—dates, schedules, Jiwon’s departure, Jiwon’s arrival, two weeks offshore, a week in Ulsan. Sometimes a month offshore, a month off. Hanbin had every little detail in his notebook, even though he can remember flawlessly even without them. But lately the stress had been heavy, the constant sadness that tugs on his heart had messed with his brain too.

 

_“Bin are you there?”_

There is an unmistakable worry in that tone, and Hanbin unconsciously closes his eyes just to prevent all the memories from surfacing—or he just wants to really listen to the husky voice and imagine every little detail of how Jiwon might look at the moment.

 

Disheveled dark and thick hair, probably without clothes, probably still in his worn-out jeans, and probably hasn’t even eaten proper meal but ramyun and onigiri he bought in convenience stores.

 

_“Are you okay, Bin? How is the fever?”_

Of course Jiwon would know, most probably from Yunhyeong. He had spent two days at Yunhyeong’s place. After the incident with patient’s family he’s completely out for a day from migraine and fever. Maybe he doesn’t want Jiwon to know that. Or not. Maybe he _does_ want Jiwon to know. Maybe he wants to be worried about, to know that Jiwon still cares about him all the same as years ago.

 

“Ma is waiting. She said drive safely.”

 

Hanbin wishes his voice doesn’t crack when he talks to Jiwon even on the phone. How can he face Jiwon and pretend everything is okay in front of Jiwon’s mother? Even though he’s good at pretending, wouldn’t the pain still be visible? Wouldn’t all his desire to just cry his eyes out and seek comfort on the crook of Jiwon’s neck be too violent? This is a kind of battle Hanbin will never win.

 

 _“Bin… God, Bin…”_ There is a sigh, then a pause. _“I’ll be there, okay? You will come home with me today, yeah, Bin?”_

Hanbin doesn’t answer it on purpose. He’s missing home—he’s missing how it used to be. He misses the late-night talk on their little kitchen bar. Their attempt of looking for stars from the balcony. The cup ramyun and fruit beer that they have for dinner. Even those times when they have to sleep five feet apart in the living room with balcony door opens because the air conditioner broke in summer.

 

Hanbin misses Jiwon’s late night routine of cupping the side of his face with his large hand, and running his thumb ever so gently to smooth Hanbin’s brow.

 

Damn, he even misses the late-night trip to the airport after one full day shift at the hospital, only to pick Jiwon up after his one month in Gulf of Mexico.

 

There is a sigh. _“Bin?”_

The sound of footsteps from the kitchen snaps Hanbin out of his little flashback.

 

“Is he still on the phone?”

 

Hanbin just nods. To Hanbin’s relief, Jiwon’s mother takes the phone and cut their conversation just like that.

 

“Jiwon, go take a shower now. Just take your time, I’ve got Hanbin here with me. Also, drive safely, okay?”

 

Just like than Jiwon hangs up, and Hanbin knows that Jiwon’s frustrated sigh is recorded in his memory, only for his stubborn brain to play it all over again.

 

Hanbin doesn’t know what to do. Or say. He keeps his eyes glued to the half empty cup, stirring the content with the teaspoon absentmindedly.

 

“Is the hospital making you too busy again, Hanbin?”

 

That voice is full of concern, and Hanbin wonders if she can see beyond his tiredness. Hanbin only lets out a small chuckle.

 

“Emergency room is always busy, Ma. But it’s still nice, knowing that I can actually do something to help people in needs.”

 

Hanbin lifted his head and his eyes meet hers. She doesn’t smile this time. Instead, she lifts her hand and brushes her thumb slightly under Hanbin’s eyes.

 

“You look so tired, Son.”

 

For a few seconds, Hanbin is worried that it is tears that he sees on her eyes. It isn’t the look of concern anymore, it’s more like the look of her knowing that something is not right. And Hanbin is scared to think that she knows how sad he is—how faraway had he stray away from Jiwon. How much distance has been growing between them.

 

“I am fine, Ma.”

 

He says instead, hoping she will really believe it. Hanbin doesn’t want to make her sad, especially in her wedding anniversary that she should have celebrated with her husband, but couldn’t.

 

Hanbin always admire her, to be honest. Her strength. Her love. How she made Jiwon the wonderful man that he is now. How he loves Hanbin as if he’s her own flesh and blood, giving him a taste of family affection without he needs to do anything in return. He doesn’t need to be the best in anything to be loved by her. He only needs to be Hanbin—to be his lacking, imperfect, and full of flaws self. And Hanbin cannot thank her enough for that.

 

It scares Hanbin how much he could lost.

 

“Do you know,” she said, retracting her hand from Hanbin’s face and adjusting her sitting position, a nonverbal sign that she wants to change the subject, “back then when I was Jiwon’s age, I already had Jiun. It was honestly a tough time, since we were still young and there are lots of things that we wanted to do,”

 

Her voice is calm, and Hanbin always loves all her stories. This is why Jiwon’s obsession with bedtime stories makes so much sense—just any stories, really, could be Hanbin’s day at work, could be Hanbin’s theories about Greek Gods and constellations, even it could be Hanbin naming all the bones in his body.

 

“…at first I thought, the problem will go away because we’ve got a baby, you know, it means another top priority. I thought the problems were solved, but I was wrong. It did fade away for a while, but as time went by, it resurfaced again. There were times when we argued a lot, and that was when I realized, although two people share one relationship, they are still two individuals who might want different things.”

 

Hanbin wonders why she tells him this story—whether it’s because she had sensed something is wrong between them or it’s just a mere coincidence. Maybe she knows, maybe a mother has a magic like that. But maybe she doesn’t—Hanbin just worries too much as always.

 

“…there are problems that are small, and it will be gone in a day or two. But there are also those that are big enough to make us think whether it’s worth the pain or not. I have to admit that the thought of just run away and leave everything behind crossed my mind at the worst time. There were times when it just felt… too much for me to bear. But you know what made me stay?”

 

Hanbin doesn’t even realize that he slowly shakes his head.

Her smile always reminds Hanbin of Jiwon—the warmth, the love.

 

“…what makes people who love each other stay together, is choice…” there is wisdom in her voice, something that people only have when they have gone through so much in life. And Hanbin believe in her. Everything she said. “…that they are constantly choosing each other. Choosing to love. Over and over again. That’s what we did.”

 

It is hard—not to crumble right there in front of her when her words strike so deeply to where it hurts. Hanbin doesn’t even know when did loving Jiwon become so hard for him.

 

Hanbin averted his gaze to the wooden table instead, afraid that his eyes cannot hide all the burden anymore.

 

“Wasn’t it… hard?”

 

She smiles softly.

 

“Very.”

 

.

.

.

 

To say that Hanbin’s startled when Jiwon kissed the top of his head, is an understatement.

 

Hanbin’s heart leaped, the hair on the back of his neck stood up—the tip of his fingers went cold and he couldn’t even lift his head to look at Jiwon or his mother. His face probably went red, but he noticed that Jiwon just moved to kiss and hug his mother like nothing happened.

 

Hanbin could also notice how Jiwon’s eyes get bigger when finally he saw Hanbin’s face clearly. Must be the bruise on his jaw, or the dark circles under his eyes. Maybe Jiwon would have reached to Hanbin and caress the bruises if it weren’t for the table between them. But Hanbin was glad that Jiwon took the seat across him instead of his usual spot, because Jiwon would notice how Hanbin dig his nails into his palm and he would hold his hand to stop it.

 

He wouldn’t know how to respond if he had to deal with Jiwon’s touch in front of his mother.

 

Would he flinch? Would he just throw every pride away and lean in to the touch, making up for all the brokenness and fill the void that has been there for quite a while?

 

The dinner went smoothly, with Jiwon’s mother being the one who dominated the conversation. She talked about this church charity event she organized with her friends, and honestly Hanbin was so glad that she busied herself with her friends instead of being alone at home. Jiwon also only talked a little, mostly asked questions and commented on what his mother said.

 

They have managed to get out of the dinner without his mother questioning the thick tension between them—although Hanbin isn’t really sure whether she’s oblivious or just didn’t want to meddle with their relationship.

 

Hanbin always remembers clearly how Jiwon’s mother talked about her husband, and Hanbin wonders if everyone has the chance to feel that kind of love even once in their lifetime. She is still in pain, and that is very clear. The pain is not the kind that is loud and piercing anymore, it had turned to be more like the one that is persistent and constant. Hanbin wanted to ask if she ever regrets, loving someone so dearly and then being left behind. But the question always died down on the tip of his tongue, yet the thought remains clouding on his mind.

It had scared Hanbin, to be honest. It had made pain seems like something inevitable—something that human being will definitely live with no matter what choices they make.

 

The ride home was silent. Hanbin is looking outside the foggy window, focusing on little trail of rain that runs down the cold surface. He had one hand supporting his chin, and the other fisted on his lap. He wants so badly to just fall asleep but he cannot even close his eyes. He’s so close to Jiwon. Jiwon is so real beside him, focusing on driving with jaw slightly slacked. There is no music, there is no mixtapes being played, there is no Jiwon humming to whatever song it is he creates in his head.

 

There is only the sound of Hanbin’s heavy breaths, and Jiwon’s deep sighs from time to time.

 

But the black leather jacket was Hanbin’s favorite. The slicked-back thick hair was Hanbin’s favorite. The musky smell of Jiwon’s cologne was Hanbin’s favorite.

 

Maybe they still are.

 

But he’s so tired—and scared. Without realizing, he had dug his nails into his palm and it begins to sting.

 

The abrupt stop of Jiwon’s car makes Hanbin jolt forward slightly. They finally reach their apartment’s parking lot after what feels like forever. But when Hanbin unbuckles his safety belt and about to open the door, there is a click. Jiwon had locked them again.

 

Normally Hanbin would feel the need to shout—to get angry at Jiwon’s slightest action that irks him and Jiwon would grit his teeth so strongly to suppress himself from yelling profanities straight to Hanbin’s face.

 

But nothing happens. Hanbin just sits still, waiting for whatever it is that comes after this. He just watches how Jiwon moves to open the glove compartment and takes out a white box—the emergency aid kit that Hanbin insisted every car and house needs to have. Hanbin watches Jiwon’s every movement—he notices how Jiwon was being careful, how Jiwon keeps looking at his own hands and doesn’t make any eye contact with him. How his jaws are slacked, how he sniffs every now and then.

 

Hanbin has no time to react when Jiwon takes his hand—the one that he had unconsciously fisted so strongly that the nails now had broken the skin.

 

Jiwon’s hands are always warm against Hanbin’s cold ones. They are rough and calloused, the result of him working so much with heavy machinery and equipment—but Hanbin always likes them. How contrast they are compared to his own pale and clean-looking ones. Hanbin loved how Jiwon used to his hands to make sure Hanbin doesn’t claw or dig on them with his own nails, or just to rub them together with his own because Hanbin easily gets cold.

 

Jiwon takes out an alcohol wipe, tearing the foil and tenderly begins to tend the nail marks on Hanbin’s palm that are starting to ooze blood. It stings a little, Hanbin is not aware that he was digging his nail that deep. But Jiwon is being so careful, his movements are calculated and Hanbin holds his breath.

 

From where he is sitting, Hanbin can only see the top of Jiwon’s head because he’s looking down and focuses on the little wounds. Hanbin has this urge to caress that thick hair, to feel them again between his fingers. Hanbin can feel Jiwon’s small touch burns against his skin, how Jiwon hold his wrist so carefully as if he’s afraid to hurt him more.

 

“Let me see the other hand,”

 

The voice is low and raspy because he hasn’t use it for about the past an hour. Hanbin knows that it’s Jiwon’s low voice that he always uses to talk with Hanbin over serious matters, including how much he loves him and how long is the eternity that they will be going through together.

 

Without resistance, Hanbin just gives his other hand for Jiwon to tend. There are the same wounds there too, and Jiwon tends them just as tenderly—and Hanbin is scared that his eyes are getting hot and wet.

 

God, how he misses Jiwon’s tender touch like this.

 

How he misses the little gestures Jiwon makes to soothe him, just like how he moves his thumb slowly caressing Hanbin’s inner wrist. He blows air to the wound, and it sends pangs on Hanbin’s heart when he remembers that the old Hanbin would nag how it is unsanitary and people shouldn’t be doing that—and the old Jiwon would laugh while still doing it anyway.

 

But what shocks Hanbin is when Jiwon bows down and rests his forehead against Hanbin’s wrist, breaths coming out harshly and it shook his shoulders. It takes Hanbin a second to realize that Jiwon is crying silently, and Hanbin didn’t know that his heart can hurt more than it already does.

 

“…Bin… _God,_ Bin…”

 

Hanbin bites his lower lip to hold back a sob when Jiwon kisses the inner side of his wrist. It was messy, Hanbin can feel Jiwon’s tears wetting his skin and his harsh breath that feels warm against Hanbin’s palm.

 

Jiwon lifts his head slightly and brings one of his hand to carelessly wipe the tears on his eyes. If it isn’t the fear that holds Hanbin down, he would have thrown himself to Jiwon right there and then, wipe the tears on his eyes and tell him that everything is okay— _we still have that eternity._ But Hanbin is afraid. Lately ‘love’ isn’t even enough anymore and it scares him how much he could lost. He is one step away from giving up but Jiwon’s touch had woken him up— _this,_ how can Hanbin live without this touch that calms the storm inside of his chest? But how can he stay when things keep going wrong and the universe conspire to mess every single thing in his life?

 

“I will always come back to you.”

 

Hanbin can feel a drop of tear makes its way down his cheek because that voice is heavy—it sounds broken and defeated and Hanbin doesn’t want to remember this side of Kim Jiwon. This vulnerable side of Jiwon needs to be accompanied by the brave and strong Hanbin but he’s just as messy now. He has no strength to assure Jiwon that the world will be alright because he himself also isn’t sure how.

 

_I will always come back to you._

The promise is heavy, and Jiwon had been repeating it over and over again like a mantra. It had felt assuring at first, like it is a promise that Jiwon would keep with his whole soul. But lately it feels like that’s how Jiwon convince himself, that’s how Jiwon cope with the difficult situation where hearts are being broken and dreams are being shattered.

 

Hanbin is afraid of promises but Jiwon keeps giving him that over and over again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I guess we meet again.  
> Tell me what you think about the story! I wanna know.  
> Also, Hanbin's look https://i.pinimg.com/564x/41/0f/54/410f5455a471f96662c44d5ffb5ab6e8.jpg  
> And Jiwon's look https://i.pinimg.com/564x/84/2a/f7/842af7e757e2724de2d7cef3a114180d.jpg
> 
> Find me on twitter @runsoftbin  
> Or curiouscat also @runsoftbin


	6. 2012, Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It's been month.  
> I honestly struggle a lot with this piece of story, it's been a long time.

[2012]

 

The thing about being in college is, you begin a new semester and you play around here and there for what feels like two weeks, and then comes midterm. You play around for what feels like two more weeks, and then comes the finals. Especially between papers to collect, essays to submit, and lab reports be done in groups.

 

For Jiwon, between them there are music to compose, lyrics to write, and stages to perform at.

 

Also Hanbin to hang out with from time to time.

 

It has been quite a routine for them to hang out, whether to just sit around in the library (with Hanbin studying and Jiwon writing lyrics), or Hanbin sitting and watching Jiwon and his team swim relay (he already re-joined the swimming club), or just simple late night McD session after hours of studying (only for ice cream cone or McFlurry). Hanbin even hang out more with Jiwon now instead of Yunhyeong, and Jiwon had found Hanbin’s companion easy and comfortable.

 

Jiwon is still trying to make sense of his Thermodynamics module—that cannot seem to cooperate at all. The first day of final exam is always the most annoying, especially when people around him starts being tense and sensitive caused by lack of proper nutrition and excessive caffeine intake. That includes Hanbin and Yunhyeong.

 

“Why do you keep hanging out in my faculty?”

 

Jiwon looks at Yunhyeong who brings his laptop with heavy books on top of it. He takes a seat right in front of Jiwon, He still looks very good for someone who is in a battle with final exam, that honestly doesn’t upset Jiwon anymore.

 

“Eeey if it isn’t Song—”

 

“Greet me like a civilized human being here, Jiwon. I have reputation to maintain.”

 

Jiwon chuckled—why do these medical students care so much about reputation, anyway? Hanbin also always shoot him a glare if he’s being too loud or too hyperactive in public. Jiwon sometimes calls them ‘The Stiffs’—both looked mad at first, but Jiwon understands that truths are hard to accept sometimes.

 

“Where’s the other Stiff? Don’t tell me he’s somewhere pouring redbull into his coffee again. Oh! Is he high on energy drink again? That’d be a hilarious story to pass to my grandchildren.”

 

“Don’t be disrespectful, he’s _actually_ sick,” Yunhyeong said, “…and God, that hair. It is ugly.”

 

“I understand if you don’t understand art.” Jiwon intentionally plays with his purple ponytail only to annoy Yunhyeong more.

 

Yunhyeong rolls his eyes and begins to open his book.

 

It’s been five days since the last time Jiwon met Hanbin. He was on edge that day, and from that encounter Jiwon had learned that he shouldn’t engage with a tense Hanbin. The younger boy just stormed out of the library after a petty argument that Jiwon didn’t even remember, and they didn’t even communicate at all after that unfortunate incident.

 

Jiwon had found that Hanbin will search for him when he’s all cooled down and ready to communicate again, so he wasn’t as panic as the first time it happened.

 

“Is he okay, though? Hanbin?”

 

There is this strange feeling that comes with knowing Hanbin’s sick in exam week—Jiwon thinks more about how much he would hate being sick, especially on the week where his every effort is judged by what can he write in a piece of paper. Or in fifteen minutes of verbal test, whatever works for the weird medicine students. He must be very upset, and knowing Hanbin, the sickness must be pretty bad for him to skip the final exam. He was basically running solely on caffeine and energy drink on midterm, only God knows what he would do on final exam.

 

“I don’t know, haven’t heard from him yet.”

 

“When was the last time you meet him?”

 

“Last week, maybe? I am quite busy. His tutor session with me is over so I don’t really see him much. I thought you see him more than I do nowadays?”

 

And out of everyone who knows Hanbin, Jiwon thinks that Yunhyeong should be the one who knows the most that Hanbin’s tension will reach its peak when he is pressured, especially in a final exam where he has no chance to flunk anymore, according to the boy himself, if he still wants to go home and see his sister.

 

“He likes my hair.”

 

And Jiwon can probably swear that he does try to understand thermodynamic, but the effort is futile when Hanbin occupies more than two third of his brain. Being sick at this time of the year must be horrible, especially when you are Kim Hanbin—things get a lot more complicated when you have a big fear of failure and a need to please everybody at the same time.  

 

“Okay, that’s it. Can you stop clicking your pen? It’s getting irritating, Jiwon, I might stab you.”

 

Oh, if Jiwon doesn’t know Song Yunhyeong he would think that he is joking.

 

“Sorry, sorry, I’ll stop,” Jiwon lifts his two hands and puts down the pen as if he is a thief who just got caught and the pen is his gun. “Okay, one question and I will go.”

 

“Shoot,” Yunhyeong said without moving his eyes from his text book. Oh, maybe this is the trick to make girls get curious of his cold demeanor, when actually he is a big dork with humor of those who live for more than half decade.

 

“Will sick Hanbin be as scary as normal Hanbin in this final week season?”

 

.

.

.

 

Something is definitely wrong with Jiwon’s priority scale, and he knows that there is nothing he can do to set it straight. He knows he screwed up when he slammed the thermodynamic module shut only after trying to comprehend every formula in the first five pages.

 

So there he is, in front of Hanbin’s door that is located at the nicer side of the university dormitory. The med students were given one room for themselves, much to Jiwon’s disbelief. Like damn, Namjoon needs to share a dorm with a weird boy who keeps performing some sort of strange ritual every Friday night—Jiwon suspected him to be joining a cult. From the look of the dorm itself people will know that this is the nicer space, means those who get to live here come from families with money. Hanbin is one of them, even though he sometimes dresses mimicking Jiwon’s street style, or even though he keeps wearing the same ugly pair of red Converse wherever he goes.

 

Jiwon fishes out his phone to dial Hanbin’s number, being all millennials about all of this, who definitely chooses to call instead of knock. At the fifth unanswered call, Jiwon starts to doubt his decision to come—bringing foods too, while at it. Maybe Hanbin isn’t sick, maybe he isn’t even inside, Jiwon has no idea. Yet he keeps calling Hanbin’s number while lightly kicking the door in front of him with the tip of his shoes.

 

There is a clicking sound, and then some random noises that makes Jiwon takes the phone away from his ear.

 

“Bin? Are you there? Hello?”

 

And then silence for about like five seconds.

 

“I am outside, in front of your door. Polite people usually let their friends in, but if this is your game, I can play it. I’m cool.”

 

And then silence again that Jiwon needs to check if the line is still connected.

 

_“…wait.”_

And frankly, that surprises Jiwon. If Jiwon doesn’t know better, he will not think that it was Hanbin at all. The voice was heavy, almost like an exhale. It sounded nasal that it changed the sound of his voice at all.

 

Two minutes passes and Jiwon can only play with the plastic bag in his right hand, swinging it back and forth when he leans onto the wall right across the door. He had stopped at the convenient store, grabbed things that he thought will be needed by a sick person. He carelessly threw milk, bread, juice box, snacks, cough syrup, paracetamol, meds for headache, stomachache, basically everything in his ray of sight. Maybe a sick person will not need that much of meds, but what does Jiwon know, really? He cannot even function without his mother’s assistance when he is sick. He basically has limited knowledge and zero experience in this field.  

 

Jiwon only moves when he hears keys being turned followed by the door opening very slowly.

 

“…Jiwon…?”

 

When Hanbin comes into his line of sight, Jiwon only managed to see his disheveled hair and wrinkled white shirt before the younger lets out a small breath, almost like a gasp, and his eyes rolled and the world seems to fade away for him.

 

Jiwon rushes to catch Hanbin as he falls forward, ignoring the plastic bag that he dropped with quite a noise of cans clinking together. Jiwon immediately drop the heavy backpack he is carrying to the ground, focusing his strength to support Hanbin’s back with his hand, hugging him tightly yet carefully not to further injure the slightly smaller boy. Lucky that Hanbin seems to be still conscious as he tries to support his own weight, albeit very slightly, while leaning mostly onto Jiwon’s body.

 

And boy, talking about how hot a human’s body could be (literally), Jiwon can swear that even Hanbin’s breath on his neck has a high temperature. The younger boy is literally burning, and Jiwon can even feel how hot his breath was on his neck.

 

“I’ve got you, buddy. Let’s get you to bed, okay, help me up a little.” Jiwon lets out a groan when he tries to hoist Hanbin up, kicking the door open with his leg and half carries the younger boy further inside. Hanbin _whimpers_ and Jiwon feels this strange tug on his heart string just like that time he saw a sick baby in a hospital.

 

Hanbin was hot and sticky against Jiwon’s skin, and the sick boy doesn’t seem to have enough energy to control his own limbs. His hands are limp on his side and legs barely carry his own weight, that Jiwon has to hoist him up even further to ease his way to the bed—that feels so much farther than it actually is.

 

It takes a lot of Jiwon’s energy to actually be able to help Hanbin sit on his bed—that is not even high, it’s barely even half a meter. Jiwon moves away a little to look at Hanbin closely, his hands are on Hanbin’s upper arm to keep him steady. He is strangely very limp and it scares Jiwon a little bit.

 

“Damn, since when are you like this?”

 

And of course there is no response—the younger’s eyes aren’t even open. His bangs are sticky with sweat and so are the other parts of his body. His face is flushed from the fever but his lips are pale and dry. Not a pleasant sight, really, but Jiwon can tease him about it later.

 

“…cold.”

 

“Ahhh okay, okay, sorry,” Jiwon is about to help cover Hanbin’s body with a blanket when he realizes the state the latter is in, “but you’re so sticky and gross, I’ll have to change your shirt.”

 

Hanbin just nods and Jiwon wants to compliment how cooperative he is when he’s sick.

 

“Now lay down for a while so you don’t topple over, here, lemme help,”

 

The whole process of changing a grown ass boy’s shirt, especially when he barely has enough strength to control his limbs, is a definite struggle. Hanbin was leaning on him with his full weight, despite their sitting position on the bed. Jiwon guides Hanbin’s head to lean on his shoulder while he’s trying to peel away the soaked shirt. And boy, talking about Yunhyeong being the babysitter, look at who the babysitter is now.

 

The heat of Hanbin’s body actually radiates that Jiwon can feel it from close proximity. Jiwon actually wants to cheer when finally Hanbin’s out of his sweat-soaked shirt.

 

“Bro you really are hot,”

 

And Hanbin has the audacity to laugh at the double entendre, the motherfucker really thinks it is funny when he cannot even open his eyes.

 

“I admire you sense of humor, really.”

 

The laugh was dry and weak, but it is contagious enough that Jiwon chuckles too. At least the new shirt is clean and dry, it makes Hanbin’s situation less gross, really, but of course the cultured and well-raised part of Jiwon doesn’t really make any comments about it.

 

Hanbin has his eyes closed the whole time and Jiwon doesn’t really know if he senses how awkward Jiwon’s movements are. But Jiwon then decides that it doesn’t matter, seeing Hanbin shivers from cold that his teeth are chattering. Without words, Jiwon helps the sick boy to lay down on his bed, a little too carefully as if he was made of wet clay—even the slightest bump will dent him.

 

“Yeah, sorry, sorry, I’ll give you a blanket, wait a moment,”

 

The way Hanbin mouthing “cold” makes Jiwon feel weird, it is just strange to see the usually sharp and active boy becomes too weak to even speak properly. Jiwon pull the blanket to cover Hanbin’s body and tuck it under his chin.

 

“Okay now probably because you are burning we have to get your temperature down a little bit.”

 

That’s when Jiwon realizes how messy Hanbin’s room is, books everywhere, pens, highlighters, markers, papers, laptop and printer are all on the floor, meanwhile on the desk there are clothes, empty bottles of mineral water, instant noodle cup, coffee cans, two bottles of red bull. The curtains are closed, the desk lamp is the only one that is on. Jiwon cannot even tell whether it is day or night outside. Wow, Hanbin really live like this on exam days.

 

Jiwon manages to gather a small towel and a small basin with cold water—is he supposed to wet the towel with cold or warm water? Jiwon doesn’t even know. Hanbin doesn’t move even the slightest as Jiwon combs his fingers through his sweaty bangs. Only when Jiwon places the wet towel on his forehead, Hanbin hisses, he makes those face like he’s going to cry and that reminds Jiwon of that night the first time they talked.

 

Jiwon sits on the floor beside Hanbin’s bed—it is low enough that he can fold his hands on the edge of the bed and rest his chin on top of his folded arms. The position gives him a clear view of Hanbin’s face—his lips are slightly parted; his cheeks are flushed red of fever. His face looks smaller with the big ass white towel on his forehead. He looks like a toddler, really, barely five years old.

 

The next thing Jiwon knows is that he had extended his hand to feel Hanbin’s cheek with his fingers—was warm, but unexpectedly soft. Jiwon wonders if other guys have cheeks this soft too? But thinking about touching Namjoon’s face when he sleeps make Jiwon wants to punch a wall.

 

Why is Hanbin always an exception.

 

Jiwon doesn’t like badly-executed jokes, but with Hanbin he laughs anyway. Jiwon doesn’t really care about what people think, but he pays attention to what Hanbin has to say. Jiwon doesn’t really care if someone is upset—their emotions are their responsibility, but Jiwon doesn’t like it if Hanbin upset. Jiwon doesn’t pay attention to his surrounding, yet he always takes mental notes of what to say and what not to say, what to do and what not to do, if it comes to Hanbin.

 

It has been going on for months but Jiwon had refused to think so much about it—damn, thermodynamics and fluid mechanics are so much more important to think about, or he will fail the semester.

 

So Jiwon restored the strange things again to the back of his mind, and remind himself not to open it, maybe until forever.

 

“Hey,” he says instead, throwing away the thoughts because it is disturbing him a lot, “have you eaten anything today?”

 

There is no response, as expected.

 

“Earth to Bin?” Jiwon pokes Hanbin’s cheek with his finger but the sick boy then lets out a _groan_ , meaning that he’s annoyed, “Haha okay sorry, sorry, but I really need to know, have you eaten?”

 

Hanbin’s brows furrowed, then his head moves a little that Jiwon assumes as a ‘no’.

 

All Jiwon knows about treating sick people is to lower their temperature, put wet towel on their forehead and then give them paracetamol. And then make sure that they eat so they will gain energy. But of course it is not as easy as he thinks.

 

“Do you want to eat something? I can go out and buy some food.”

 

Hanbin makes a sound like light gasp, turning his head to Jiwon’s direction with frown on his forehead, as if he doesn’t approve Jiwon’s suggestion.

 

“…no, please…”

 

Well, Hanbin is saying ‘please’ so he must be really sick. That sounds so weak and Jiwon is a decent human being, so he will not argue with that.

 

Jiwon is reminded of his grocery bags that he dropped in front of the door earlier, he takes out a pack of milk, sticks the straw in, and proceed to wake Hanbin up a little.

 

“Here, have some milk,”

 

Jiwon takes the towel off Hanbin’s forehead, and then proceeds to help the younger boy to sit. Jiwon sits on the edge of the bed and the he pulls Hanbin with the gentleness he doesn’t even know he possesses. The weak Hanbin just follows Jiwon’s lead and immediately drop his head to Jiwon’s shoulder, limp like a rag doll. Jiwon uses one hand to support Hanbin’s back so he doesn’t fall, and the other hand to hold the milk pack and put the straw against Hanbin’s slightly parted lips.

 

“Bin, come on drink the milk,”

 

Call Jiwon crazy but there is something strangely adorable that Hanbin opens his mouth lazily to reach for the straw, and as he tastes the milk on his tongue, he really begins to drink more eagerly— _damn,_ he looks like a damn baby and Jiwon thinks it’s really weird that he finds it adorable.

 

More than halfway through, Hanbin releases the straw and lets out a long sigh. He seems to be more exhausted than before as he nuzzles further to Jiwon’s shoulder.

 

“A little bit more, come on.”

 

The sick boy shakes his head weakly.

 

“Come on dude, just a little bit more,”

 

Hanbin inhales a little too loudly.

 

“…can’t…”

 

Hanbin lets out a sound that is similar to a sob and it makes Jiwon worried, really. Sick Hanbin looks very small and vulnerable and it provokes Jiwon’s instinct to protect. Jiwon takes away the milk pack and half throw it on the floor before concentrating on Hanbin again.

 

“Okay, okay, no more. Just sleep if that’s what you want.”

 

Ever so gently, Jiwon lays Hanbin down again, making sure that the pillows are fluffy enough for him to lay on. It’s like Jiwon’s moving on automatic mode, he didn’t even know that he possess such gentleness over somebody else. He tucks the blanket under Hanbin’s chin again making sure the latter is warm enough.

 

When Jiwon puts his palm against Hanbin’s forehead, it is just as hot as before and it honestly begins to make Jiwon worry. Should he call a doctor or should he bring Hanbin to hospital himself? If he waits, will his fever go down by its own?

 

“Should we go to hospital? You are really burning, Bin, I am not even kidding.”

 

The sick boy doesn’t respond, and Jiwon doesn’t know if he is really asleep or he is just being Hanbin—always choosing not to respond to things he dislikes or things that makes him uncomfortable.

 

“Bin?”

 

Hanbin opens his eyes a little to look at Jiwon, and there is something that kinda looks like… desperation? Like he is silently pleading—it is not the typical puppy-eyes-pleading, his eyes are droopy and glassy, it looks more like he is in pain and the idea of Jiwon bringing him to the hospital will hurt him even more.

 

“Eyyy don’t look at me like that,” Jiwon said, doesn’t even know why he’s feeling guilty, “alright, we won’t go to the hospital.” Always so stubborn, this person. “But at least you have to take meds.”

 

There is a slight relief on Hanbin’s expression and he closes his eyes again.

 

“…later.” He exhales.

 

Hanbin adjusts his position to face the wall, with his back facing Jiwon. He curls his body into a fetal position, making himself look even smaller. His breaths are fast but steady, and Jiwon rubs soothing circles on his back when he hiccupped.

 

The shiver is still there, but it isn’t as bad as before. Jiwon cannot hear Hanbin’s teeth chattering anymore so he takes it as a good sign. As minute passes the sleeping boy looks calmer, and that’s when Jiwon realizes that he’s been kneeling on the floor and _damn_ his knees are numb.

 

Jiwon sits on the messy floor, looking around without really thinking about anything in particular. His eyes catch the image of Hanbin’s notebook and spotted a really bad handwriting, Jiwon chuckles because it almost looks like his own.

 

Now that Hanbin is sleeping, Jiwon doesn’t really know what to do. He cannot be cleaning the room because only God knows where to put what, especially Hanbin’s notes and papers. Jiwon knows that even though it looks messy, Hanbin knows this arrangement. Cleaning the room only means ruining the design Hanbin has in his head and _boy_ will he be mad.

 

The room is plain, typical boy’s room that is really just a place to sleep. It is small, but quite comfortable—well, it is larger than Jiwon’s room at home since it’s got its own bathroom. There is a desk with built in bookshelf and a medium sized closet with mirror on its door on one side of the wall, and at the other side there is the single bed that is not higher than 50 centimeters. The curtains are closed and the two glass windows are too.

 

Jiwon adjusts his sitting position on the floor and lean his back on the bed. He’s supposed to be studying now for the exam tomorrow, yet there he is, taking out his phone and wear his headset, listening to the song drafts he arranged with Namjoon and once in a while checking his Soundcloud for the views and new comments. He and Namjoon are managing the account together, posting songs they made and music they arranged. But Namjoon does all the managing, since he has more time doing music than Jiwon—who still needs to study his ass off so he can keep his so-called scholarship.

 

Sometimes he wants to be like Namjoon, really. He is bold enough to drop out of college and continue doing music, he now manages a small club in Itaewon and soon enough he wants to open his own. But for a rich kid like Namjoon everything is possible, meanwhile for Jiwon this is not an option. To graduate from good university and perhaps get a good and stable job, for him, is an obligation. He has to maintain good grades to keep his scholarship, so he doesn’t add the burden to the family.

 

Just when he takes out modules from his backpack, Jiwon felt shifts on the bed because the sleeping Hanbin is now making a quick and rather jerky movement. Jiwon can see how he sits up and peels off the blanket almost too quick for a sick person, with a hand covering his mouth. Jiwon manages to see how white Hanbin’s face is, how the hand that covers his mouth trembles as he struggles to get up from the bed.

 

It was so quick that Jiwon could only follow Hanbin with his eyes. It took him a few seconds to process that Hanbin was heading to the bathroom just a few meters across his bed—and Jiwon only registers what happened when he heard the younger boy puking his guts out in the bathroom.

 

Jiwon gets up almost immediately, and when he catches the image of Hanbin kneeling on the floor almost hugging the toilet bowl, he immediately runs towards him. Jiwon positions himself behind Hanbin, slipping his right hand between Hanbin and the cold toilet bowl to be some sort of cushion to make sure that the other boy doesn’t hit his chest there.

 

The force is quite strong for Hanbin’s weak body that he barely even holds himself up anymore—without Jiwon’s hand holding his chest he would probably falls forward. Jiwon looks away from the scene folding in front of him, focusing his strength to hold Hanbin and rub soothing hand on his back to at least ease him a little.

 

“Damn bro, you _really_ are sick…” Jiwon said as he continues to rub Hanbin’s back.

 

When he’s done, Hanbin reached to flush the toilet and Jiwon hands him the tissue roll. After Hanbin wiped his mouth carelessly, he just kinda drops himself on the floor and Jiwon catches him out of instinct. Jiwon just let Hanbin catch his breath and lean his back on his chest.

 

“…I’m so sorry,” he mumbled with eyes closed, and that makes Jiwon feels kinda weird. It’s rare for Hanbin to say sorry, and for him to apologize because he really couldn’t help it, it makes Jiwon feels bad for him.

 

“Damn right, you should be.” He said instead.

 

But Hanbin doesn’t respond to his witty comeback, instead he is busy controlling his breath, inhaling slowly from his nose and let it out from his mouth. That makes Jiwon feels even worse—Hanbin always always answer to his wit, either with harsh or sarcastic comment or just by rolling his eye.

 

Hanbin’s arms are limp on the floor, and Jiwon shifts their position so Hanbin’s head leans on his right shoulder, Hanbin’s body is in between his legs, his back is on Jiwon’s chest. Jiwon uses his left hand to support himself, and his other hand he uses to finger-comb Hanbin’s sweaty black hair to the back.

 

“Are you done?”

 

Hanbin needs a few seconds to comprehend the question and then he nods—even his nod is barely there. The bathroom floor is cold and Jiwon can feel Hanbin begins to shiver slightly.

 

“Let’s get you to bed dude, we ain’t gonna sleep here.”

 

The sick boy lets out a very slight whimper as if he’s in pain and it’s like the alarm inside of Jiwon’s head goes off.

 

“Are you okay? What hurts?”

 

And Jiwon swears that Hanbin needs to stop pausing like that when he has his eyes closed. Scares the hell out of him.

 

“…tired…”

 

Not even his mother spoils Jiwon this much when he’s sick, yet there he is, supporting Hanbin with all his might. The younger boy had refused to be carried—something always has to do with his pride, but as a decent human being Jiwon needs to respect that. When Hanbin says that he’s strong enough to move to the bed, Jiwon had helped hoist him up, supporting his waist while Hanbin drags his weak legs. Jiwon ended up supporting about 80 percent of Hanbin’s weight, but he had expected that.  

 

Jiwon helps Hanbin to lay on his bed again, propping the pillow higher so he will be more comfortable. He then gives Hanbin water—luckily the latter actually manages to drink up more than a quarter of it, albeit very slowly. After he throw up, the color had actually returned to his face and it gives Jiwon some sort of relief.

 

“I think you still need to have some medicine. I have bought some, in case you don’t have any.” Jiwon is concerned since the fever isn’t going down, yet Hanbin is sweating profusely. He’s sitting on the edge of the bed, watching Hanbin squirm to find comfortable position.

 

“Did you buy paracetamol?” Hanbin said. The voice is still not his usual voice, but it is getting better.

 

“Yeah, I think it’s in there somewhere.”

 

“Let me have that.” With it, Hanbin tries to prop himself up a little bit more so he manages to get into half sitting position.

 

“But you need to eat first?”

 

Hanbin clicks his tongue in slight annoyance—and that’s the usual Hanbin over there.

 

“I’ll be fine.” He said, the firmest a badly sick person can manage to be. Jiwon just shrugs with that, standing up to reach the plastic bag about a meter from him on the floor.

 

“Well, since you are the doctor I’ll just follow your instruction, I guess.” Jiwon takes the tablet and gives it to Hanbin, helping him with water too. He looks like a toddler, really. Pale face, disheveled hair, clumsy movement. Jiwon wonders how this person is the one people said to be intimidating. He looks harmless—looks like a regular college student who struggles with maintaining grades so they don’t make their parents unhappy.

 

“I think you need to sleep after throwing up your whole stomach content like that,” Jiwon said, still in an attempt of humor but apparently sick Hanbin cannot comprehend. He just slowly lowers his body to the bed and pull the blanket up to his chest. Hanbin curls his body slightly, laying on his left side so he can face Jiwon.

 

“I’ll be here if you need me,” Jiwon added, and immediately regret it since he sounds so weird in his head.

 

“You can go home if you want to… You have thermodynamics early tomorrow.”

 

Oh, wow, Jiwon is actually surprised that Hanbin knows his exam schedule. As far as he knows, he never told Hanbin anything about his exam schedule. They haven’t even meet for nearly a week after that one unfortunate incident.

 

“No, I’m alright. I bring my module and handphone with me. I can just study here. Is it okay?”

 

There is a slight, slight smile on Hanbin’s lips and Jiwon swears that he cannot be seeing things.

 

“…of course it is okay.” Hanbin said. He closes his eyes then, getting ready to sleep and Jiwon wishes that the medicine will work a little bit faster. As Hanbin is drifting into his medicine-induced sleep, Jiwon is once again left alone not knowing what to do. Well, he guesses he really needs to study.

 

Jiwon takes a look once again at Hanbin’s sleeping face. He looks calmer although once in a while his eyebrows are still furrowed in his sleep. Jiwon wonders what he’s seeing in his sleep that he seems so restless. His thoughts fly to that night when Hanbin cries himself to sleep, and although maybe it was just the alcohol, there is still this weird feeling in Jiwon’s heart knowing that Hanbin might carry a heavy burden on his shoulder.  

 

Jiwon wishes that Hanbin is strong enough to carry whatever burden it is on his shoulders. Jiwon wishes that Hanbin will dream of only nice things, so then maybe he can smile a lot more.

 

.

.

.

 

When Jiwon opens his eyes, he was laying on the floor with his notebook on his chest. He reaches out for his handphone and a little bit surprised that it is 9 PM already. He had slept for at least two hours on the floor, in between his heartfelt attempt to study. He sits up and takes a look at the sleeping figure on the bed—Hanbin is curling himself under the blanket again, facing the wall so Jiwon cannot really see his face. He has been sleeping for about four hours, and Jiwon is still very very concerned because hasn’t eaten anything yet at this point.

 

Jiwon was about to go to the bathroom when he spotted Hanbin’s phone on his desk lights up with notification, and Jiwon peeks at it a little. One text message arrived and Hanbin’s phone is showing the whole message on display without Jiwon needs to touch anything.

 

It is his mother; the name is simply “Mother” on his contact. The message is short and simple, _“Son, how was your exam?”_ and Jiwon thinks maybe Hanbin is the type who doesn’t tell his parents that he is sick, maybe he doesn’t want to make his mother worried.

 

The desk is messy—typical young boy who doesn’t really care about decoration. But there is something that catches Jiwon’s attention—photo frame that consists of three little photos of a little girl, not older than three or four years. Maybe she is the sister Hanbin keeps talking about—the one he comes back home for. Jiwon takes the photo frame and finds “Hanbyul” on the back of it written in calligraphy.

 

The little girl really looks like Hanbin—the eyes, especially. It’s like little Hanbin but with long hair. The first photo is her in ballet costume while posing like a little ballerina, middle photo is her smiling widely to the camera showing cute little teeth, the third photo is her wearing a cap backwards holding a Minnie mouse plushie.

 

Jiwon smiles at that, already knows why Hanbin is so smitten over his cute little sister. She looks like a little ray of sunshine and her smile makes Jiwon wants to smile too. Jiwon understands why Hanbin chooses those photos to be framed—they really look like something Hanbin will look at when he’s tired from all his studying. Beside the photo frame, there is a little Mickey mouse figurine and Jiwon guesses maybe this is their thing. Mickey for Hanbin and Minnie for Hanbyul. Jiwon finds it so cute that he feels the need to bite on something.

 

Hanbin has a plain scheduler on the side of his desk that is full already with his scribbles. He writes his quizzes and exams schedule there with black marker, and there are also a lot of things written in pink. “Hanbyul recital”, “Hanbyul ballet performace”, “Hanbyul at grandma’s house”, and one big pink circle somewhere around the previous week “Byul + Bin day out”. Well, that explains where Hanbin went at that day last week. That also explains why Hanbin was so happy after a few days of being super tense and stressed out.

 

Jiwon’s heart feels strangely warm knowing how much Hanbin loves his sister.

 

After examining what’s on Hanbin’s desk, he begins to see the pile of books on the desk—maybe those are the ones that Hanbin reads a lot, that is why they are not on the shelf. There are four books in total, self-help books. Well, Jiwon doesn’t know that Hanbin reads these kinds of book. Jiwon doesn’t even know if Hanbin reads at all.

 

Jiwon figures that he really needs to find something to eat, maybe bring some food for Hanbin too. Oh, he also needs to call his mother, telling her that he might be coming home so late at night, so she doesn’t wait him for dinner.

 

But it was when Jiwon sits down on the floor to wear his shoes, he heard something that sounds like hiccup. He has to stop moving to make sure he doesn’t hear wrong, but he cannot be mistaken—it begins to sound a lot like sob now.

 

Jiwon immediately throw his shoes carelessly and walk towards where Hanbin sleeps, and what he sees gives him a sharp jab of dejavu—he had seen this. The sound was etched on his brain like it is something he is not allowed to forget.

 

Hanbin is still facing the wall and all Jiwon can see is his shaking form from the back. He is breathing heavily, his shoulders raked from the force of his hiccups. He cries like he is defeated, like he is losing a battle and there is no way for him to win it. He cries like he is so sad, like his heart is breaking and he cannot bear the pain that it inflicted.

 

Like what he always does, Jiwon approaches Hanbin very carefully, placing one of his knees on the bed to support him while he looks at the crying boy.

 

Hanbin’s eyes are closed, but his brows are knitted together as if he is in pain. He is hugging himself, curling his body to make himself smaller. Each breath he takes is heavy and it’s like he wastes so much energy when he exhales—it makes him so tired.

 

“Bin?”

 

Jiwon isn’t sure if Hanbin can hear him but the younger boy is curling himself even further like someone is going to hurt him and he needs to protect himself. This sight honestly still inflicted the same amount of pain on Jiwon’s chest just like the first time he sees it. Hanbin cries like he’s hurting very badly and nothing can ease the pain.

 

Hanbin is sweating, and without thinking Jiwon had wiped his temple with his bare hand, caressing Hanbin’s head to the back so his bangs don’t stick on his forehead. His fever has gone down and Jiwon feels a little relief.

 

“Bin… Ssshhh, I’ve got you. I’m here.”

 

How someone can hurt Jiwon only by them crying like this, is truly something new for him. He doesn’t know what to do. His instinct orders him to just hug the sleeping figure to comfort him, but his brain forbids him to get closer to Hanbin afraid that he will hurt him more.

 

But of course his instinct wins. Jiwon gets on the bed and lays himself behind Hanbin so the younger’s back is on his chest. He slips one hand under them and manages to place them on Hanbin’s chest. His other hand is rubbing Hanbin’s upper arm very tenderly just to let the latter knows that he’s there. He’s not gonna leave.

 

Jiwon hugs Hanbin’s shaking form from behind and tangles their legs—Hanbin’s sobs are making Jiwon sad too and now his eyes are teary. He had never seen anyone else crying this sadly and the thought of what’s probably making Hanbin this sad, hurts Jiwon more than he imagined.

 

“Sshhh… wake up, Bin. You’re okay. You are okay. I’m here.”

 

Jiwon caresses Hanbin’s heaving chest, hugging him from behind tighter as Hanbin’s sobs continue raking his body.

 

“…I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… I’ll be good, I promise I’ll be good…”

 

It was like a mumble, as if Hanbin doesn’t even have enough strength to say it out loud. He keeps apologizing and Jiwon’s heart stings very bad at that. He keeps saying that he will be good as if someone has been forcing him this whole time and that’s the only thing he can do to make the pain stop.

 

“Hanbin please wake up,”

 

It feels like forever when finally Hanbin jerks in his sleep and his sobs comes to a halt, as if he’s startled. He uses one of his hand to grip weakly on Jiwon’s hand on his waist, nonverbally telling him that he’s awake, he’s fully aware now and he can feel Jiwon. Jiwon keeps humming softly to Hanbin’s ear, shushing him while Jiwon’s one hand is still rubbing Hanbin’s chest, hoping that it can ease his breath a little.

 

“…Ji…won?”

 

Hanbin’s voice was small and weak, all the crying had drained him and now all that’s left is small hiccups and heavy breath because he is exhausted. Jiwon had rested his cheek on the back of Hanbin’s head, breathing slowly and carefully.

 

“…Jiwon?”

 

Jiwon hums, wrapping his right hand further on Hanbin’s bony waist as he presses his other hand on Hanbin’s chest, right on the top of his heart, tapping it lightly as he can feel it hammering against his palm.

 

“I’m here, I’m here.”

 

Jiwon can feel Hanbin’s hand grip gets tighter, mustering the strength he has left to squeeze Jiwon’s hand on his waist. His breath is still fast, yet he slumps his body back to lean on Jiwon. As second passes by Hanbin’s rigid body slowly gets more relaxed in Jiwon’s embrace, the shaking had subsided and the hiccups had slowed down.

 

“…I’m sorry,” he says, then he inhales a deep breath and exhales slowly, “I’m so sorry…”

 

Hanbin apologizing actually hurts Jiwon a little bit more than seeing him cry, and Jiwon is not sure what to name the feeling he has right now. His heart was thundering against his ribcage because he is _scared,_ Hanbin cries like he’s in a serious pain and there is nothing he can do to ease it. Damn, he doesn’t even know what to do.

 

Hanbin keeps apologizing as if he’s done something so wrong that he needs to be punished for it—as if no matter how many apologies he says won’t matter, yet he said it anyway.

 

“Stop apologizing. It’s okay… don’t say sorry anymore. There’s nothing to be sorry about.”

 

Although Jiwon can still hear Hanbin sniffling, he says nothing. He keeps his one hand on Hanbin’s chest and the other one on his waist.

 

Jiwon doesn’t say anything, doesn’t want to ask anything. Realization hits him as Hanbin leans on him more, only then he realizes how close they are. Hanbin is in his embrace with literally zero space between them.

 

But Jiwon doesn’t think about anything else besides how someone else’s tears can hurt him this way. How much tenderness he actually possesses, how small Hanbin is inside his embrace, and how Hanbin’s cold hands pierce through his skin and burn his bones.

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me a thought about this, maybe?  
> I struggle a lot with this one particular piece, honestly the hardest shit I've tried to write in this seven years of writing for fandoms.
> 
> reach me on twitter @runsoftbin  
> or on curiouscat @runsoftbin


	7. 2018, Part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fight had been about how selfish he was, and how careless Jiwon was. How Hanbin had all the past haunting him, how Jiwon planned all the future ahead of him.

[2018]

 

When Hanbin slowly tugged his hands away from Jiwon’s grip, he could actually hear his own heart protested. It was the closest they have been in months. If it is not because of the _pride—_ of course it is pride, Hanbin would have kiss away the distance between them. Claiming _his_ Jiwon and reminding himself that _this_ is the relationship that they have built for more than five years.

 

Five years seems like years away now when Hanbin cannot even remember when was the last time he had a nice conversation with Jiwon, that doesn’t end with them yelling or Jiwon slamming doors shut.

 

“Please open the door,” Hanbin said, his voice coming out harsher and huskier than he intended to. Jiwon looked defeated, his shoulders hunched and he was not looking at Hanbin. When Hanbin’s hand was out of his grasp, Jiwon had reached out to try grabbing them again. But Hanbin was fast and they were both tired.

 

Today Hanbin run away again, and Jiwon let him go again.

.

.

.

 

_“Wouldn’t it be nice, if we have a little less fear. A little more courage.”_

Hanbin had said one day back then when they were still at college. Jiwon had chuckled at that, but Hanbin knew he was thinking too.

 

Years later, today, Hanbin’s life is still about wondering the same thing. What if he has a little less fear; of losing, of getting abandoned, of getting hurt. A little more courage; to figure out what the hell is wrong, to tell Jiwon where the hell it went wrong, or just to face the fear that is getting bigger than he can recognize.

 

.

.

.

 

It always feels like a tug inside of his chest when it happens. Like a string snapped and the pain spreads to his entire body in a millisecond, then disappears entirely—leaving him feeling vulnerable and sensitive like an open nerve. It always wakes him up in a rather violent jolt, with heart hammering against his chest as if it will crack his ribcage.

 

What he sees is always different from one episode to another. Sometimes it’s just black curtains all over threatening to wrap him entirely. Sometimes it’s the image of what’s dear to him being taken away forcefully. Some other times it is just the feeling of him facing the biggest fear in his life: regret, failure, disappointment. There are also times when he hears voices telling him cruel words repeatedly that he has no option but to believe it. Sometimes the voice sounds like his father. His mother. His sister.

 

And lately, the voice sounds like Jiwon’s.

 

It’s tiring.

 

The sense that comes back first is always his hearing. Alarm clocks or the sound of his loud ringtone that usually wakes him up. It pains him to remember that back then, the first thing he would hear was Jiwon’s husky voice that was laced so heavily with sleep—and worry. How Jiwon purposely leaned so close to him and put his forehead against Hanbin’s temple, whispering his name repeatedly to his ear, while cupping the side of his face and smoothing his stubborn eyebrow with his thumb.

 

“…. _Bin?_ ”

 

Oh, how the split image of it sends warmth to Hanbin’s cold little heart.

 

That night, the force is exceptionally strong—the voices are loud and all he feels is cold. Hanbin couldn’t feel his fingertips. The image of Jiwon crying while gripping tightly on his wrists plays repeatedly, as if it is something that is used to punish him. He saw Jiwon’s tears fall to his wrists, burning the skin and sending pain throughout his system. He wanted so badly to touch Jiwon, to soothe him and assure that everything will be okay. To just hug him tight and never let go. But who is he kidding? He himself has been trying so badly to believe that things will get better, but the pain in his chest is a reminder that his effort is futile—the world is a bad place and things are always out of his control.

 

It was not the first time he sees Jiwon cry—he had cried so many times inside of Hanbin’s embrace. Hanbin had wiped so many drops of tears with his own hands. But the image that keeps repeating in his head feels distant—as if Jiwon is so far away from him and no matter how much Hanbin misses him, Jiwon keeps getting further and further away. It feels so real—too real that it physically pains him. There is this strong force that is pressing his chest and blocks the oxygen from entering his lungs, and no matter how strong he tells himself that _it’s a dream, it’s only a dream,_ the image of Jiwon turning his back on him and walking away feels so damn real.

 

“… _Hanbin…”_

It scares him. The image repeats itself so many times as if it is being played in a loop. Jiwon letting go of his hand. Jiwon walking away without sparing him any glance.

 

And Hanbin is afraid that it is his destiny.

.

.

.

 

Hanbin wants to yell, to call out Jiwon’s name repeatedly but his voice doesn’t come out. He wants to run after him but his feet are cold—they cannot move as if they are experiencing some sort of frostbite.

 

The force was so strong that Hanbin jerks forward. When he opens his eyes, his vision of the world is too narrow. It feels like he’s under water—all the sound seems so far away and distorted. He feels like he’s floating and he needs to hold on something to keep him on ground—and he holds onto it for his dear life.

 

Hanbin doesn’t know how long it lasts, but only when he comes back to his senses that he realizes he’s crying so hard. The sobs come from deep inside his chest that he can hear how awful it sounds. There’s warmth—warmth all over him and it feels like he’s slowly being thawed. Hanbin can finally feel blood rushing to his hands as he’s clenching them—that’s when he knows he’s fisting on fabrics. His face is wet but there’s something against his cheek—there’s warmth. Warmth all over him.

 

“…breathe… focus on my voice.”

 

He needs to breathe, and not from his mouth. The more Hanbin tries to inhale, the realer it feels. All the subsided emotions suddenly flood him again without mercy.

 

“…Jiwon…”

 

How he hates that the name feels so foreign already on his tongue. How at the same time so familiar.

 

“I’m here… You’re okay, baby… I’m here.”

 

That’s Jiwon’s voice—laced so heavily with sleep and worry. His tears just fall as Jiwon whispers, calling his name over and over again. He’s kissing the top of Hanbin’s head repeatedly, tucking him into the crook of his neck, engulfing him in a momentary warmth that soothe every stinging part of his being.

 

It takes Hanbin a few minutes to fully register what position they are in. His sobs had quieted down, leaving only small hiccups and tear-stained face. Jiwon is caressing the back of his head ever so tenderly, resting his chin on the top of Hanbin’s head.

 

This position always make Hanbin feels small.

 

It takes Hanbin more time to recognize the strong cigarette smell on Jiwon, the smell of smoke mixed with cheap alcohol he keeps in the kitchen cabinet.

 

Hanbin’s brain associated this smell with anger—not his anger, but Jiwon’s. This smell is the thing he always encounter at night when Jiwon came home drunk. This is the smell of Jiwon when he’s disappointed but he cannot say it out loud. Disappointed Jiwon is the Jiwon who left him in his nightmare.

 

Hanbin doesn’t realize when he lets out a sound as if he’s choking—the smell is too much. The smell brings him unpleasant memories, making him feel uncomfortable just like the nightmare does. But only this one is real.

 

“What’s wrong, are you hurting somewhere?”

 

He can feel Jiwon’s breath on his forehead. Jiwon’s voice is full of concern that Hanbin knows is real. But he’s not ready—Hanbin is not ready for this and Jiwon is too close, his smell is too strong.

 

Hanbin doesn’t realize that he’s pushing Jiwon’s chest away—not so strongly, but enough for Jiwon to understand the meaning. He wishes that it is just his mind playing trick on him but he hears Jiwon hisses when Hanbin’s cold fingertips make contact his bare neck. Deep down Hanbin knows that this will hurt Jiwon, but his presence is too suffocating for Hanbin’s tired body. He cannot handle this now, not with this mental state.

 

“…Bin…?”

 

“I’m sorry… _I’m sorry_ , I can’t… Not now, please, I ca—”

 

“Sshhh… Alright, I understand. Stop apologizing, it’s okay,” Hanbin feels a kiss on the top of his head, “…I’ll be around, okay?”

 

In no time, Jiwon’s hand that was circled around his body disappeared. The loss of touch actually hurts him like how a wound being exposed to an open air—it stings, and there is a major part of his brain that is telling him to beg for Jiwon not to go. But he didn’t. Just like everything bad that happened in his life, he does nothing about it.

 

His cowardice is scaring him.

 

Hanbin can still feel his tears fall and wet the side of his face before making its mark on the pillow. Jiwon pulls the blanket up to Hanbin’s neck, giving a last pat on his shoulder before he walks out of the room. He leaves the door slightly open, and a part of Hanbin is thankful for that. Jiwon still remembers that after his nightmares Hanbin doesn’t want to be alone. When Jiwon was at the rig he would stay in the video call long enough until Hanbin’s sound asleep again.

 

The silence rings in Hanbin’s ears, his sniffs and hiccups are still there. He is too scared to fall asleep again but he closes his eyes anyway.

 

Hanbin cannot help but think that his fear had hurt Jiwon more than it does to him. Hanbin realizes that he’s being selfish—but this fear is bigger than himself, bigger than Jiwon. This fear had been with him for as long as he can remember, and now it gets bigger and consumes him entirely.

 

.

.

.

 

The night is not so friendly for people who has so many things on their mind. Or to people who has constant fear and regret.

 

Hours had passed since Hanbin woke up covered in cold sweat. The right side of the bed is always empty nowadays, and sometimes Hanbin still stretches his hands out—just out of habit. Back then his hand would meet a warm body who barely wear anything to sleep. Hanbin would trace the tattoo on that person’s back with the tip of his fingers, earning giggles or sometimes low groans from the owner.

 

Now his fingertips are cold, but he still remembers how warm Jiwon’s sturdy back was. Hanbin used to lean on it, sleeping soundly with Jiwon as his added cushion. He used to love it when Jiwon was the little spoon—his nape was sensitive and Jiwon has the prettiest laugh in the world.

 

In the last few months Jiwon had been sleeping in the guest room—sometimes on the couch in front of the TV. Hanbin had been hurting the first time Jiwon decided that their fight was big enough that he didn’t want to sleep beside Hanbin anymore. He remembers not sleeping any blink that night. Jiwon was ignoring him a few days after that too, and Hanbin was too afraid of rejection to start the conversation. A week after that fateful fight they still didn’t say anything to each other, and then Jiwon needed to fly back to the rig—only leaving him a post-it notes on the fridge.

 

Hanbin remembers how different it was; Jiwon usually calls or texts him when he’s on the plane and contacts him again in every transit. They would video-call every day, finding time in between Hanbin’s shifts and Jiwon’s working hours in the rig, juggling with time difference and exhaustion they both were feeling. Sometimes Hanbin woke up to multiple texts and voice messages, and he would also send Jiwon the same amount so the latter could wake up to his texts and voice messages too. Hanbin would count down days for Jiwon to come back home, crossing out the calendar on his bedside table every morning after he woke up.

 

At first, he thought that maybe Jiwon was still quite angry and he would wait for his anger to dissipate a little before contacting him again. He was waiting for days but nothing. After a week without any texts nor calls, Hanbin was worried. Bad thoughts were clouding him—what if Jiwon get hurt again? What if Jiwon was sick? And the thing he’s afraid the most; what if Jiwon was still angry?

 

After what seemed like the biggest fight they had in their five years relationship—that fateful night, Hanbin felt there were changes in Jiwon. There were apologies, of course, they both had cried when Jiwon came back home after only two weeks in the rig (which he usually would be back after a month). But there was this tension between them that no one really speaks about. Hanbin felt it, and he knows Jiwon felt it too—but neither of them talks about it for the reason Hanbin didn’t really understand.

 

.

.

.

 

“Go back to sleep, I’m sorry, I am just looking for something,”

 

Hanbin’s mind was clouded with sleep but he can still sense that Jiwon is being so careful. He’s always been a light sleeper but nowadays even the slightest noise can wake him up—and Jiwon is always a little too clumsy when he needs to be quiet. He accidentally closed the bedside drawer too strongly, and when Hanbin opened his eyes, Jiwon was still in kneeling position just beside the bed.

 

The sun isn’t even out yet, but Jiwon’s hair is wet and there is a towel hanging on his neck. He must be going somewhere, and Hanbin feels that same tug on his heart knowing that now he doesn’t even know where Jiwon is going.

 

Hanbin pulls himself to a half sitting position while tugging on the comforter to cover up to his neck. Jiwon looks busy shoving things carelessly into his backpack from the drawer. The old Hanbin would probably laugh and comment on it, but now he chooses to just sit there and stares at nothing.

 

“I need to catch the earliest flight to Ulsan, there’s something I need to take care of,” Jiwon said without looking at Hanbin. He’s now taking off his white shirt only to put on a blue slim-fit button-down shirt—and Hanbin remembers he was the one who bought that.

 

“Yunhyeong’s birthday party is tonight…,” Hanbin said, almost absentmindedly. He was always the one who reminds Jiwon of every family or friends’ events that he needs to attend. Jiwon easily forget things, and with him moving around a lot from Seoul to Ulsan to the rig in the US, he’d be missing every family event without reminders.

 

“Oh shit, I’ve written it down somewhere,” Hanbin can see Jiwon’s shoulders dropped, “I will try to take care of this quickly so I can fly back in the afternoon.”

 

There is silence after that sentence.

 

“I will make it this time, OK, I will call him, I promise.”

 

Hanbin doesn’t say anything. He then grabs his phone just to avert his attention to something else other than Jiwon—who is now already dressed with button shirt and dress pants. If five years ago somebody told Jiwon that he would be wearing this to work, Jiwon would have laughed at them. Maybe Hanbin would too.

 

But this is where life had brought them—where Jiwon isn’t holding microphones but machines. Where Jiwon flies here and there not for tours, but for meetings. Where Jiwon settles for a half-hearted “I’ll be going” instead of a tight hug and deep kisses.

 

It’s crazy how Hanbin’s seconds fly so slowly, yet his years bring drastic change to his life.

 

It’s crazier how Hanbin stays as his same old self—the one who is afraid, the one who runs away. Yet Jiwon moves on and adapt with drastic changes so bravely.

 

Maybe the brave and quick Jiwon is no match for someone indecisive like Hanbin—and although they have tried aligning that traits for years, there are things that cannot be solved even by time.

 

When Hanbin hears the front door being shut, he gets up immediately. He needs to be on the move, he needs to be working on something to avoid thinking about all his problems. He’s been taking whole day shifts in the hospital with short breaks here and there, Yunhyeong had to force him to go home and take rest several times. The restless feeling that constantly haunt him feels terrifyingly similar to what he had years ago, but Hanbin tries to put that aside.

 

He’s not sure of how long he will be able to hold on, but he knows that he _has_ to. Without Jiwon he won’t have places to go anymore and that terrifies him.

 

.

.

.

 

“Hey, been waiting for long?”

 

Hanbin lifts his head from his cold coffee to see the source of voice. He’s been sitting for a while and he has difficulties to swallow.

 

“Hey, not really.”

 

That’s when he realizes that he’s not been using his voice for a little while, and he sounds a little bit hoarser than he expected.

 

Kaho looks beautiful as always, it’s almost like she’s glowing from the inside. If she isn’t an intern doctor, she’d be qualified being a model. She’s got the fashion taste for it anyway.

 

“Sorry I took a while, was waiting for Yun but he’s got this whole bunch of report to submit today.”

 

She said, sipping the juice box in her right hand. She brought with her two lunch boxes and she’s opening one of them and shove it to Hanbin’s side.

 

“Look, butternut squash and red lentil curry with brown rice, with roasted broccoli because you need to eat vegetables.” She said, now opening the box of spoon and hands it to Hanbin like he’s her little son. “Also strawberries because Yun likes them.”

 

The food looks appetizing, and from the name Hanbin can tell that it is one of those healthy meal that she always prepared for the three of them. Yunhyeong and Kaho are obsessed with healthy diet and they have been trying to get Hanbin involved, saying that he needs more nutrients to be healthier. Yunhyeong had texted Hanbin in the morning asking him to join them for lunch, but he’s probably trying to finish his reports before his party tonight.

 

“They look good,” Hanbin said, probably sound less sincere than he intended to.

 

“Yes, so now eat. You look more malnourished than the usual.”

 

Kaho begins eating her food and the way she smiles when chewing them really reminds Hanbin of Yunhyeong. Maybe what people say is true, that after sometimes you really pick up habit from the people you’re with. Hanbin wonders if Jiwon picks up his habit too, or him picking up Jiwons? But he cannot really think of anything.

 

Hanbin tries to take a small bite of the curry, and he can actually tolerate it. When was the last time he eats proper lunch? He cannot remember. His daily schedule is full of coffee and running here and there with instant food in between, probably ramen and some onigiri.

 

“I still don’t understand why Yun needs to throw a big party for his birthday. I mean, we don’t usually do this? We usually just have dinner or me giving him presents.”

 

Kaho is talkative and Hanbin is thankful for that—his meals are usually too busy or sometimes just too quiet. A slight change of atmosphere is good. He sometimes needs it.

 

“Well, Yun likes publication. Before he met you he’s out partying all the time, you know.” Hanbin said teasingly, not really looking at Kaho to concentrate more on his food. Well, food is actually good.

 

“Well, he’s with me now?”

 

“Old habits die hard, Kaho.” Hanbin lets out a slight laugh when Kaho pulls a sour face. Yunhyeong had been complaining about Kaho complaining about his birthday party. Most of the time Hanbin just nods to what he says and Yunhyeong would continue his rambling anyway.

 

“Oh, is Jiwon coming? Yun has been asking all the time.”

 

And with the mention of his name, Hanbin freezes. He then forces a smile just not to let Kaho be suspicious—as if she isn’t already.

 

“Ah, I don’t know… He’s in Ulsan now.”

 

“Oh I see… Well, at least not in the middle of an ocean like always.”

 

With that, Hanbin agrees. Somehow, he feels more relaxed if Jiwon is in Ulsan compared to Jiwon being at the offshore rig. At least Ulsan is reachable, it barely takes three hours flight from Seoul. But when Jiwon is at the rig, Hanbin’s anxiety always spikes up, especially when he’s not calling in their scheduled routines.

 

And in the past two periods, Jiwon hasn’t been calling him from the rig. At first, there were only casual messages, once a day if he’s lucky. But then nothing at all. Hanbin also stopped crossing his calendar, because the longing will get bigger. He cannot contact Jiwon first because then he will break down in tears. This whole situation has become unhealthy for both of them.

 

“Hanbin…,”

 

There is silence for a few seconds and Hanbin doesn’t even realize that he is spacing out. He’s been doing it a lot nowadays.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Can I ask you something?”

 

A question like this never really leads to something easy for Hanbin to answer.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Can I be straightforward?”

 

Hanbin swallows. “Like you always be?” he then forces a smile.

 

“Hanbin, I am worried.”

 

She said, a little too quickly as if she’s been waiting for it.

 

“Of?”

 

Hanbin hears Kaho sighs.

 

“Hanbin, please look at me.”

 

And Hanbin does. Over the years, Kaho has terrifyingly been able to read him like Yunhyeong does. If Yunhyeong feels like his older brother sometimes, Kaho has turned into his older sister. Sometimes their concern about him makes Hanbin feels thankful. Even though some other times it makes him feel cornered.

 

And now is one of those times when it makes Hanbin feel cornered.

 

“Hanbin, you’ve been acting weird for quite some time now. You don’t even look healthy right now, and people has been telling me that you take no days off. What’s with all of this, Hanbin? You know you can tell me and Yunhyeong anything, anytime, right? We’re worried about you.”

 

Exactly what Yunhyeong said a few days ago, and Hanbin just knows that they have been discussing about this. Hanbin also believes that Yunhyeong had been talking to Jiwon about him—that is how Jiwon knows he was running a fever a few days ago.

 

“Is it your family? Is it Jiwon? Hanbin, I cannot stand seeing you like this.”

 

“Kaho, I don’t want to ta—”

 

“You’re saying the same thing to Yunhyeong, that you don’t want to talk about it. Hanbin, I literally can see how much this problem affects you. It’s like you’re moving on auto-pilot mode, that you’re not actually here. Don’t lie to me saying things are alright, I meet you every day. When something is off with you, I _know_ it.”

 

It has been four months since that fight with Jiwon, and Jiwon had come back from the rig twice after that. It was a week before his own birthday and Hanbin still remembers every little detail of it—the panic, the worry, the _fear._ Hanbin hasn’t been telling anybody, not even Yunhyeong—but Hanbin is aware that there is nothing he can really hide from Yunhyeong’s observant eyes.

 

Hanbin doesn’t think he can tell anybody about this problem without him breaking down in tears. All Hanbin knows was that he’s not ready for what Jiwon was asking (and he doesn’t think that he ever will) but the words had come out wrong from his mouth. It was undeniably his fault, but he is too afraid to come to Jiwon and make up for everything. Because deep down he _knows_ that he had disappointed Jiwon. He had let Jiwon down and he is afraid that Jiwon will continue seeing flaws in him—that Jiwon will finally _realize_ that he cannot give Jiwon the future he always wanted.

 

“…hey… Calm down,” Hanbin’s breath is getting shallower—but he can still feel Kaho caressing his arm.

 

Hanbin still remembers how Jiwon was at loss of words, how Hanbin had panicked and screamed and _cried._

He had witnessed how Jiwon’s eyes changed so drastically—how after the fight Jiwon looked so sad, so disappointed. How Hanbin didn’t give him chance to even explain.

 

The fight had been about how selfish he was, and how careless Jiwon was. How Hanbin had all the past haunting him, how Jiwon planned all the future ahead of him.

 

“…I had a fight… with Jiwon,”

 

That’s just putting it way too simple—Hanbin has not enough words, too little energy. The memory of the fight replays in Hanbin’s mind and now he can hear his own scream of that night.

 

“How long?”

 

“…four months.”

 

“Oh God Hanbin…,” then there is a hand on Hanbin’s back—Kaho had moved closer to be able to comfort him with her touches, like how she likes to do it. The hand on his back brings a little feeling of comfort, of being listened, of being cared for, “You guys never fight like this before.”

 

Hanbin draws a bitter smile while playing with his food. They never fight like this before, not this long, and that is what fuels Hanbin’s anxiety.

 

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

 

Hanbin only shakes his head weakly, “Not here.”

 

“It’s okay, you can tell me whenever you feel like it.” Kaho said, “But Hanbin, I need to ask you one more thing.”

 

Hanbin just keeps silent and Kaho takes that as a yes.

 

“Have you guys tried to make up? I don’t know, maybe, talk about this? You know that this cannot go on forever, right?”

 

Hanbin doesn’t even know how to explain the situation without making himself sound selfish.

 

“Jiwon did…,” he said, shoving the food away from him, “but I’m….,” he wipes his face with his hands, “I’m afraid, Kaho.”

 

Hanbin can hear his voice shakes.

 

It is really hard for Hanbin to admit his fear, to tell it to other people. Since he was very little, his father had taught him not to let people know how weak he is. He used to pretend because he doesn’t want to be a disappointment. All his life, he’s been taught nothing but to be tough, to be strong, to be someone who can make his father happy. That if he failed, he’d be a disappointment and there is no room for that in his family.

 

Deep down Hanbin knows that his family had broken him, yet he cannot escape from what they have built for years.

 

“If I lose Jiwon I’d lost everything.”

 

That came our weaker and shakier than Hanbin intended to. The emotion he held inside of him for so long is threatening to come out all at once, and he honestly cannot deal with that in a public place.

 

“Oh no, Hanbin, you won’t lose Jiwon… What makes you think that?”

 

Hanbin lowers his gaze. He shakes his head because Kaho won’t understand. No one will understand, and he’s afraid that not even Jiwon will.

 

“Kaho, I’m…,” he breathes, “I’m a coward. I’m a fucking mess and I’m so so afraid. I’ve disappointed so many people and now Jiwon too. I will never be able to give Jiwon the future that he always wanted, he deserves so much better than what I can give. But I won’t survive without him, I’m such a selfish person and I hate myself for it. I hate that I hurt Jiwon for it. I’m just so fucking—”

 

Hanbin hides his face in his palms, pressing his eyes with his cold fingers so the tears won’t fall. His chest is tight from the tears he holds in and the feeling he suppresses.

 

“Hanbin…,” Kaho’s hand is on the back of Hanbin’s head now, caressing his hair like what his mother did to him when he was very little, “that’s not true… Jiwon loves you and I know it.”

 

“Kaho, _God,_ it’s not… It’s not that simple,” Hanbin unconsciously starts curling his fingers and let the nail jabs into his palms, “I’ve been… hurting him, Kaho. And instead of apologizing, I am running away because I’m so fucking afraid.”

 

“Hanbin, Hanbin… Hey…,” when Hanbin looks at her, Kaho’s eyes are soft and sometimes that’s how he imagines his mother would look at him if they are still like what they used to be, “It’s okay to be afraid.”

 

“No, you don’t understand, I’m so—”

 

“Hanbin, listen…,” her voice is so soft and a little part of Hanbin’s heart feels calmer, “…there is nothing wrong of being afraid, everyone is afraid of certain things. Bin… you have overcome a lot of your fears, you have been so brave and we believe in you. Me, Yunhyeong, and Jiwon too.”

 

Kaho’s hands reaches for Hanbin’s fisted ones, tenderly trying to uncurl them so the nails won’t hurt him anymore.

 

“I’m not an expert of relationship, okay, but listen… in relationships, Bin, we share not only the good parts, but the bad ones too. You know what, Yunhyeong told me once that he’s a big believer of communications,”

 

Hanbin looks at Kaho who then smiles, “…I know right, that sounds so silly, I laughed at him. He said that life will be easier if everyone can communicate. If you love someone, tell them. If you make mistake, apologize. If you’re mad, you’re bored, you’re sad… no matter how smart your partners are, they cannot read your mind. You need to tell them. Explain to them what you feel or else they will never understand. Not because they don’t care enough, but because we’re all human and no one is perfect.”

 

The atmosphere is getting a little bit lighter. Hanbin draws a little smile.

 

“That does sound like him,” Hanbin said, still with a faint smile on his lips.

 

“Hanbin… Talk to Jiwon. He’s making effort and you know you also need to. Explain everything to him, only then he would understand.”

 

Hanbin swallows, “…will he forgive me, then? For being such as selfish prick about all of this?”

 

“Well, Bin… you don’t know it until you try.”

 

Kaho moves away a little then starts digging her own food. Hanbin often forget that among the things that he had lost in the past few years, he’s still got both Kaho and Yunhyeong to be by his side. And at times like this, he’s very very thankful.

 

.

.

.

 

“Have you actually realized how Yun has so many friends?” Kaho pulls a chair right beside Hanbin and sits with a cup of ice cream in his hand. Hanbin is halfway through his tiramisu and he laughs a little. “I’ve met like… I don’t know, fifteen new faces today and they are all Yunhyeong’s close friends. They speak so fast and my limited Korean cannot really keep up, I need rest.”

 

Kaho looks dashing in white dress and a little touch of make-up. From the color coordination, Hanbin just knows that the dress had been approved by Yunhyeong to make sure that it goes with his own suit. Yunhyeong himself had gone greeting his guests and eventually Kaho gets tired of having to chit-chat with all these people she only meets today. Even though she had lived in Korea for years now she still finds it difficult to handle a lot of people speaking Korean at the same time.

 

“Yeah, see, he’s enjoying it,” Hanbin sips his soda, “I honestly didn’t think the party will be this big.”

 

Kaho rolls her eyes, “ _You_ tell me.” They are staring at Yunhyeong who is busy on his phone while still managing to continue the conversation with a group of people Hanbin hasn’t even seen before. “I thought it’s a poolside party where with friends, and then we sing and cut the cake and get drunk. Well, as Yunhyeong gets older he wants it in a fancy hotel with fancy guess and look,” she gestures to the cup in her hand, “even fancy ice cream.”

 

“Tiramisu’s good,” said Hanbin.

 

“Yeah, good for you.”

 

And it’s a little amusing for Hanbin how Kaho is against this kind of thing, but she still really pays attention to what Yunhyeong wants. The hotel was her pick, the decoration, even the bands too. Hanbin thinks Kaho is really good for Yunhyeong. She has all the similarities that can make Yunhyeong feel comfortable with, and at the same time, also all the opposite of what Yunhyeong are to complete him.

 

They are both into fashion, can pass as models if they want to. They like to travel and take photos of each other—even their Instagram feeds are filled with those color-coordinated stylish and edgy photos. They are smart, mature, and they are such family people. But also, Kaho is the cool girl to Yunhyeong’s old-school soul. Yunhyeong is the wise guy to Kaho’s free and openminded self. Hanbin thinks they are good for each other, and Yunhyeong looks genuinely happy being with her.

 

“Oh, Yun’s parents and Euijin is here. I’m gonna go greet them.” Kaho wipes her mouth a little, “and you, tiramisu boy, stay at least until Yun cuts the cake, he’d want a selfie with you too.”

 

Yunhyeong’s family is really a group of beautiful, kind, and warm people, and that can be seen just from how they warmly greet Kaho as if she’s their family already. Must be nice, Hanbin thinks, to have a family that is complete and happy like Yunhyeong’s. Yunhyeong’s mother still kisses him on both cheeks and forehead like a little baby, while his father pulls him in a manly hug—and maybe Hanbin smiles looking at how warm it looks. Yunhyeong is a very lucky man, indeed.

 

Hanbin is pulled from his thoughts by his phone’s ringtone. It was Jiwon sending him messages.

 

_Meeting was very long. Tell Yun im sorry, but I’ll be there, I promise._

Hanbin knew this is going to happen, and he really wants to tell Jiwon that he doesn’t need to come if he can’t. Yunhyeong will understand anyway. But in a way, it feels like Jiwon isn’t trying to be present for Yunhyeong only. It’s like he’s trying to prove something, to break Hanbin’s accusation of him never be able to come to important events of families and friends anymore.

 

In a way, Hanbin knows that it is unfair for him to use it against Jiwon because they both know that Jiwon can’t help it. He’s away a lot and there are things he cannot catch up with. But after some times, distance really reveals their weaknesses. Hanbin’s selfishness, Jiwon’s carelessness. How Hanbin needs assurance, how Jiwon takes things for granted.

 

Hanbin’s thought is interrupted when Euijin, Yunhyeong’s little sister, speaks to the microphone to call everybody to gather, also to give the cue to bring the cake. The band begins to play birthday song and Hanbin leave his seat to walk closer to the stage area— _Oh,_ so typical Yunhyeong. The cake arrived with a small table and everybody begins to clap and sing happy birthday. Yunhyeong’s got this nervous smile on his face, standing right between Kaho and his parents. Hanbin cannot help but notices Yunhyeong’s left hand is linked with Kaho’s right hand the entire time, even when he closes his eyes to make a wish and when he blows the candle.

 

Yunhyeong looks even more nervous when he had blown the candle, Hanbin even notices his hand shakes when he holds the knife to cut the cake. A few seconds later, Hanbin can see how the knife just slipped from Yunhyeong’s hand and make a rather loud sound when it hits the floor. They can still hear Yunhyeong clicks his tongue before he bends to the floor to picks up the object he just dropped.

 

But at the same time, the band stops—the main lamp of the room went out and only the stage lamp remains. It’s been a few seconds but Yunhyeong hasn’t back to standing up again.

 

“…Tanabe Kaho…,”

 

Only then it clicks to Hanbin. A few people even gasped when they see clearly now how Yunhyeong is down on one knee, microphone in one hand and a little red box on his other hand.

 

Kaho is there, look of pure surprise can clearly be seen from her face. She’s covering her mouth with one hand, and Hanbin can see her eyes are glistening already with tears.

 

“Tanabe Kaho…,” Yunhyeong’s voice shakes, isn’t really clear whether he’s just nervous or he’s also holding back his tears, “You don’t know if today, four years ago… I saw you for the first time. Your hair was longer then… You wore white too, just like today. You were the prettiest out of hundreds of people in that exam room…,”

 

At that, Kaho’s tears fall. Yunhyeong manages to say his words smoothly without choking, yet tears can already be seen wetting his cheeks. Hanbin doesn’t even know that Yunhyeong is such a smooth talker—a few people even cries listening to his words.

 

“…Kaho, I don’t know if words will ever be enough, but _I love you,_ I love you so much, _God,_ I want to be with you forever, even longer than that if possible…”

 

No one in the room says anything—it’s like they even hold their breaths listening to Yunhyeong’s words. And as Hanbin glance at the crowd, his eyes catch that pair of narrow eyes looking straight at him. Jiwon was there, and instead of looking at Yunhyeong like the rest of the crowd, he’s looking at Hanbin. His eyes somehow look sad and Hanbin cannot stand looking at them any longer.

 

“…I’m a man with many worries, Kaho, but I think, to the hell with all these worries, all I know is that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. So, Tanabe Kaho… will you marry me?”

 

Yunhyeong’s words echoes in Hanbin’s head and his thought flies to the night of his and Jiwon’s biggest fight. Hanbin closes his eyes as he tries to shoo away the memories, but they keep playing on his mind—he keeps seeing how hurt Jiwon looked, how disappointed he was. How he was at loss of words and how Hanbin had screamed louder than he should.

 

How much he had hurted Jiwon and hurting himself as well in the process.

 

Hanbin wants to get away from that place, but then he feels a hand reaches his right hand, holds it firmly and squeezes it a little. Hanbin knows that it is Jiwon from the faint smell of his cologne, and the way his hand fits like it belongs there. All the emotion he had suppressed is threatening to come out all at once, but Hanbin is trying his best to hold it back. Hanbin tries to pull his hand away but Jiwon’s grip just gets tighter.

 

“…Yes... Yes I will...”

 

Kaho’s words sounds so loud in Hanbin’s head as if it is mocking him. It breaks him to know that this was all Jiwon had wanted and Hanbin will never be able to give it to him. It breaks Hanbin to know that he had hurt Jiwon in order to protect himself, yet Hanbin still selfishly clings to him and make him endure all the heartache—just because he’s scared that he will lose everything.

 

If only Hanbin is brave enough, maybe he doesn’t need to hurt Jiwon this much.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, it has been three months.  
> I have said this a lot, but this fic is so hard to write for me, even though I have had the whole plot planned. 
> 
> Anyway, as usual, I really hope you do get something from this fic. I don't know, some of the stories might really happen to real people out there, and I hope yall can take only the good things lol. If you cannot, then I guess just enjoy the doubleb!
> 
> Alright, until next time.  
> I want to promise faster update but the world is cruel, especially in this economy.
> 
> Bye for now! XOXO


	8. 2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jiwon thinks Hanbin is someone who thinks that something nice, like love, is something conditional—something that he needs to work hard for. Jiwon thinks that love isn’t like that. He wishes that Hanbin would know that.

[2013]

 

_“WHAT?!”_

 

Jiwon actually has to take his phone away from near his ear but the same grin is still on his face. It is the most excited he has been in a while (if we don’t count that time when he dreamed about meeting Yoon Mirae), and his right hand that grips the steering wheel is actually sweating right now. He even borrowed his father’s old sedan, that’s how important this is.

 

“Yes, you heard right! Get dressed, I’m ten minutes away, wait for me in front of the dorm!”

 

_“Oh my god, but I have a project due tomorrow!”_

“Were you not listening to me? Bin, my friend got me free tickets! We will meet Tiger JK! Bin, Yoon Mirae is there too!! I won’t forgive you if we don’t catch them, c’mon man!”

 

_“God, this better be true,”_ And then Jiwon can hear the loud sound of Hanbin who is probably shoving things down his backpack. He is muttering things Jiwon cannot even catch because the voice sounds faraway. He’s probably getting dressed and he had thrown the phone away.

 

“I’m two minutes away, I can see your building, come on!!!”

 

_“God, don’t rush me!!! You are making me nervous for nothing!”_ Jiwon laughed—the adrenaline is there already and he cannot believe he will meet his (and Hanbin’s) favorite artist in person. He knows Hanbin is just as thrilled as he is, but he just has a lot more in mind than Jiwon does, like assignments, tomorrow’s class, and probably the way to get Jiwon to actually study before his finals.

 

Jiwon then hears the sound of keys and door being locked, followed by Hanbin’s footsteps as he is running down the hallway. His breathing gets quicker and that’s when Jiwon knows he’s running down the stairs.

 

“Don’t trip yourself down the stairs,” he laughs.

 

_“Shut up, loser. Where the hell are you, I cannot see you.”_

Jiwon can already see Hanbin walking towards the dorm’s main entrance, wearing white shirt underneath a denim jacket—he actually dresses really nice sometimes, Jiwon thinks. Hanbin was busy zipping his black backpack when Jiwon’s car drove pass him, and his face was really funny when Jiwon hits the car’s horn.

 

“Can you not?!!” Hanbin said, his face shows more shock than anger. Jiwon only laughs louder than he already did, only because he knows that will piss Hanbin off even more.

 

“What are you waiting for? Get in!!”

 

With a heavy huff, Hanbin finally open the door and gets in the car. He throws his backpack to the backseat before buckling himself with the safety belt. Talk about being a good passenger.

 

“I cannot believe I am going to Busan and ditching my project for this. This better be good, Jiwon, or else you’re gonna see me being really mad,”

 

Jiwon starts the car while grinning, finding Hanbin’s unamused scowl very funny—he finds everything about him funny lately, that’s a little bit strange and worrying, to be honest.

 

“I promise! We have been talking about this a lot! The Seoul ticket is sold out already, and even if we got the ticket, there is no way for broke college student like us to be able to stand close to the stage. But now my friend is actually the organizer, we have got the best ticket and it’s free!!”

 

“Are you serious? That sounds unreal, are you sure you’re not scammed?”

 

Jiwon looks at Hanbin who was looking at him with his big eyes, looking somewhat hopeful but at the same time really skeptical.

 

“No, dammit, look at these!!” Jiwon hands the ticket to Hanbin and the latter slowly takes it from him, “I swear they are real!”

 

Neither of them even realizes that they are speaking with such a high tone, nearly shouting at each other.

 

Hanbin then adjusts his seat and lean further to the back, looks like he’s only starting to believe in what is happening. He’s lifting his two hands to comb his slightly long hair, making it even messier than it already is. Hanbin’s hair smells like fruity shampoo and Jiwon thinks how the hell is a grown man still use those kinds of products? He’s almost in his twenties. But Jiwon never says anything—not even when he needs to use the same shampoo when he’s showering in Hanbin’s dorm (and that happens a little bit often lately).

 

“Oh my God, I am meeting TigerJK…” Hanbin said as if he had just processed the whole information thoroughly.

 

“I’m gonna see Yoon Mirae,” Jiwon said, earning another ‘oh my god’ from Hanbin. They have been talking about this several times, how they will come to Seoul concert but the tickets sold out so much faster than they think.

 

“Can we make it to Busan before the show starts? It’s 3PM,” Hanbin said when he adjusts his sitting position to face Jiwon a little more.

 

“The show isn’t until 9PM, we will make it.”

 

“Don’t drive too fast though, you might kill us both.”

 

Jiwon chuckled, “What is this insult, I am an excellent driver!”

 

“You literally only got your license last month,” Hanbin then starts to fumble with the radio, clicking the button to search for decent station to listen to, “I cannot believe your father trust you with his car so easily, the farthest you ever driven was to Incheon.”

 

“Of course he trusts me, I was being a good boy.”

 

Hanbin adjusts his round glasses as he observes the radio device, leaning closely so he can see better. It’s not the first time for Hanbin in Jiwon’s father’s car—but it is his first time being seated in the front seat so it might not be so familiar for him. It’s a 2000 silver Kia Sephia, the original interior is maintained really well and we can really see how good Jiwon’s father takes care of the car.

 

“Yes, he doesn’t know you crashed Namjoon’s car to a fence,”

 

Jiwon lets out an exaggerated gasp, “That wasn’t my fault! In my defense, it was dark and the fence was placed wrongly.”

 

Hanbin laughs at Jiwon’s remark, the kind of laugh that makes one of his eyes gets smaller than the other, and his faint dimples gets slightly more prominent. This kind of laugh makes Jiwon freezes for a millisecond, but then laugh along with the same amount of excitement. One of Hanbin’s front teeth is a little bit crooked and Jiwon often catches himself staring at it when they talk a little bit closer.

 

“Have you had lunch?” Jiwon asks then, after a few minutes of comfortable silence. Hanbin tends to skip meals on holidays—the days when he has no obligation to get out of his dorm, simply because he is too lazy to go outside and eat alone.

 

Lately Jiwon had spent more weekend with Hanbin, though sometimes they would just stay at Hanbin’s dorm doing their own thing or they would go anywhere just because they’re bored. Jiwon’s favorite is still when they crash at Yunhyeong’s apartment asking him to cook for them—Yunhyeong really cannot refuse Hanbin’s puppy eyes, and that works every damn time. Some other time they would just stay inside and watch movie, maybe Hanbin will read his medicine journals and Jiwon would play online games.

 

None of them really bother to ask the other regarding why they are spending so many times together. Hanbin was even there in Jiwon’s swimming practice, sitting on the audience seat while sometimes take notes of his speed and technique. Jiwon also often stays in Hanbin’s faculty library, sleeping or playing with his phone while Hanbin is doing his assignments.

 

“Nope. Let’s go get McD, I want sundae,” he said while playing with his phone. He gave up searching for decent channels to listen to.

 

“You ate breakfast, though, right?”

 

“Not really,” Hanbin said casually, and Jiwon really doesn’t understand how his digestive system works.

 

“Aren’t you hungry?”

 

“Well, I am now.”

 

He really said it without any care in the world, and Jiwon doesn’t know whether he’s just lazy or he really doesn’t know how to take care of himself.

 

“Man, how did you survive this cold and harsh world for nineteen years living like that?”

 

The younger boy chuckles again—and it always make Jiwon kinda proud when he can make Hanbin all smiley like that, when he can actually forget that he needs to be on the top of his class, when he actually looks like he lives for something else.

 

It didn’t make so much sense at first for Jiwon who was light and carefree, that Hanbin really takes everything so seriously like he has something to prove. Like it is his lifeline. Like there is no forgiveness for him if he ever fails. Jiwon knows that he has no say about how Hanbin should live his life, but really, sometimes he wants Hanbin to just laugh freely, to just enjoy simple things that he doesn’t have to work so hard to get it. Like cheap road trip out of town. Like watching sunset by the beach. Like enjoying the breeze on a mountain.

 

Carefree laugh, a mind without burden for a while.

 

And it had come as a shock at first when Jiwon realized that he had been doing things in the sole purpose to make Hanbin laugh.

 

It stopped feeling weird after quite some times. It still surprises him, though.

 

Jiwon had spent months with Hanbin, almost a year, even. There are lots of things that he had known about the younger boy, from Hanbin himself, from Yunhyeong, or from his own observations.

 

The first thing that everyone will notice about Hanbin is that he is a hard worker. He is someone with determination—he knows what he wants to achieve and he knows how to achieve them. Jiwon respects him for that, really. The next thing is probably how Hanbin loves his sister the most in the world. His baby sister is there as his phone’s wallpaper, the Minnie Mouse keychain that hangs on his bag also has ‘Hanbyul’ carved onto it, and all those rare times when he calls her—Jiwon was surprised at first, how soft and gentle Hanbin was when he’s talking to Hanbyul on the phone.

 

From Yunhyeong, Jiwon knows that Hanbin is a son of someone very important—someone who would need to keep their reputation intact despite anything. Hanbin comes from a family of doctors. His father is an honorable doctor, he’s now even in the health ministry. There is pressure on Hanbin to be as good as his father, to be someone who will make him proud. Also, from Yunhyeong, Jiwon knows that it stresses Hanbin out—all the expectation and pressure. That explains Hanbin’s need of perfection, his almost obsessive habit of forcing himself to study, of beating himself if the result isn’t as good as he expected.

 

From his own observation, Jiwon knows that Hanbin doesn’t really talk much with his parents, even his mother. They will text once in a while, mostly only when it is Hanbin’s schedule to meet and play with his sister. That’s why Jiwon is always very careful with the topic of ‘parents’ in their conversation.

 

Jiwon has the impression that Hanbin is a strong kid, someone who has burden but he tries hard to lift it on his shoulders. But sometimes his need of perfection makes him tense and Jiwon knows it is tiring for him. All the expectations from his family and peers had make Hanbin grown into someone who always feels the needs to prove himself again and again, continuously. That without him proving his worth, he wouldn’t get nice things in return.

 

Jiwon thinks Hanbin is someone who thinks that something nice, like love, is something conditional—something that he needs to work hard for. This thought saddens Jiwon, really, that a son would think that his parents will love him less if he doesn’t come the first in his class. That he thinks he needs to achieve something in order to be loved.

 

And Jiwon thinks that love isn’t like that. He wishes that Hanbin would know that.

 

“Jiwon, oh my God, you drove past the drive through! Don’t zone out when you’re driving, geez…”

 

And again, Jiwon’s first reaction of Hanbin’s annoyed voice is to laugh even though he knows it annoys Hanbin even more.

 

.

.

.

 

It’s only been three hours and they have more than two hundred kilometers more to drive. After a few fruitless attempts of switching through the radio channel, Hanbin had decided to just play the CDs that are available in the car, and most of them are Jiwon’s father’s collection. Most of them are old songs that Hanbin hasn’t even heard.

 

“Do you have another song? I haven’t even heard these.”

 

By now Hanbin is sitting comfortably with one leg folded on the car seat, his shoes are off because he said it’s too hot. It’s dark outside already and their windows are half open—old cars, Jiwon said, the AC cannot be on for too long.

 

“I think I have 2ne1 and Epik High CDs somewhere there, just look around there, I don’t know, somewhere.”

 

Jiwon is munching on his Peppero stick—Hanbin had picked up a whole bunch of snacks when they stopped for gas. He bought cans of coffee, mineral waters, sweets, even RedBulls because he insists that they will need it. Jiwon always find Hanbin’s belief in RedBulls ridiculous but funny at the same time. Hanbin is cutting down on them, though.

 

“2ne1 is great, though, I’d want to go to their concert.”

 

“They are dope, man, I watched them in YG Family concert. CL has the most unique flow and her singing voice is great too, damn, that was a good one.”

 

Jiwon remember that particular concert when he actually bought the ticket—not like his other concert experience where he volunteers or even works as backstage crew. YG rappers has unique skills that can really distinguish them from the rest of rappers out there. Sometimes Jiwon even has a wishful thinking to be able to join them on stage someday.

 

“You’re good too.” Hanbin said after a few seconds of silence. He’s looking outside the window where there is really not much to see. Jiwon smiled at that. Hanbin always says that he’s good, he even listens to Jiwon’s mixtapes and raw songs he recorded with Namjoon. Hanbin is now even friends with Namjoon already because somehow Hanbin also ended up at Namjoon’s studio after his classes. He often gives suggestions for the lyrics in their song, and Jiwon thinks maybe he has raw talent for that too. Maybe somewhere in the future they can make songs together and make money from it, who knows.

 

“Hahaha yeah thanks, man. I’ll allow you backstage when I get famous one day.”

 

Hanbin lets out a little laugh—the kind that has no sound but only makes his shoulders shake a little. The left corner of his lip lifted a little in a small smirk. He doesn’t even bother to look away from the window.

 

“Have you ever thought about anything, though, aside of being a musician?”

 

Hanbin looks at Jiwon then, head leaning on the headrest as one hand playfully tugged on his seatbelt.

 

Jiwon glances at Hanbin whose hair is even more disheveled than before—a band aid was placed on his left cheek that he insisted for fashion. He even collects band aids for that, and Jiwon too, helping him collecting them by buying every unique shaped band aid he accidentally found in convenience stores. Oh, all the things Jiwon does for that brat.

 

“Why are you asking me that?” Jiwon asks, still with a playful tone.

 

Hanbin shrugs. “Just curious.”

 

Has he, though? Jiwon never really think about that. But the fact that his father wants him to be an engineer, maybe he should really consider. But he loves music, he loves the feeling of being on the stage, watching people listen to his stuff. But has he ever thought about anything else but this?

 

“Well… I don’t know? I mean… you know, there are a lot of options out there. My father even wants me to be an engineer, you see. But he also supports me doing music, though.” That turns more serious that Jiwon thought it is, “…I don’t know, hahaha. Probably an engineer, I mean, a really rich one where I dig gold somewhere faraway. That will make me rich. Maybe there’s that.”

 

“You’re really good at being engineer too, I think. You always get good marks without even studying, how do you do that?”

 

Jiwon chuckles. “I am just a lucky boy.”

 

There is silence again for a minute or so.

 

“But I guess you are the kind who put people you love above your own interest,” Hanbin said, and Jiwon sometimes really curious of how Hanbin sees him. Sometimes he finds Hanbin looking at him as if he’s observing or figuring something out. Jiwon always wonders what’s running inside Hanbin’s little head.  

 

“How do you draw that conclusion?”

 

“Well, you agreed to attend engineering school even though you want to learn music. You even try hard too because you know that’s what makes your father happy. You even got the scholarship. That’s the kind of person you are, Jiwon.”

 

Jiwon’s smile fades a little. There is a feeling inside of him that Jiwon doesn’t really understand. The feeling is weird, when people tell you what kind of person you are. Jiwon doesn’t know that—he doesn’t even realize that he’s doing all of that. All he knows was his father thinks being an engineer will secure the future for him, and Jiwon just want his parents to have that peace of mind.

 

Just like what Jiwon does, Hanbin actually observes him too.

 

“You think so?” Jiwon asks, feeling a little weird because he’s not really used to talk about these stuffs with people.

 

“Yeah. But that’s what I think. I might be wrong.”

 

Jiwon always likes to hear about what Hanbin’s thinking, because usually he can only guess.

 

“And you? Have you thought about anything aside of being a doctor?”

 

And then Hanbin is silent again—the only sound available is the old songs that Jiwon is sure Hanbin never listens. When Jiwon glanced at him, Hanbin is looking at the road, eyes look droopy and glassy. Maybe he’s thinking. Maybe he doesn’t want to answer the questions. Maybe he doesn’t even know.

 

“Not really,” Hanbin said, and that came out weak and Hanbin’s low voice often cracks a little, “It’s like… I’m obligated to do this, you know? Since my grandfather was a doctor, then my father, then me. I came from this kind of family. When I was little, all I ever know is being a doctor. When I was in high school, all I thought was how to get into the med school. And here I am.”

 

At some point, Jiwon feels sad that Hanbin needs to live his life that way—where he doesn’t have freedom to choose and decide for what he wants. But Hanbin looks alright, nevertheless. He came from a well-off family where money never was an issue. Call him silly, but thinking about that makes Jiwon feels less sad for the younger boy.

 

“Do you like it, though?”

 

Jiwon glances at Hanbin again, and he is still wearing that same expression on his face—like he just let his mind wanders, like he is not even thinking at all.

 

“Well, I guess at this point I don’t have a say anymore, right? I’ve taken this path and it is too late for me to get out now. I’ve thought about this too, really. Sometimes I even asked, like, why did I let people chose for me? But then again, it’s not a bad choice. By agreeing to things, I have saved myself from a lot of complications, arguments, and potential crisis with my family.”

 

Jiwon stopped chewing the Peppero, listening carefully to Hanbin while at the same time concentrating on driving. The road is not too crowded, the street lamps are bright enough to light the way. The night air is friendly too, nothing too hot and nothing too cold. Jiwon is fine with his oversized white shirt and black ripped jeans. Hanbin also looks comfortable in his denim jacket and skinny black jeans. They’re somewhere between summer and autumn, and Jiwon thinks it’s the good time of the year.

 

Jiwon still thinks how Hanbin looks good in denim jackets.

 

“But at least you do good anyway, right?”

 

Hanbin then laughs a little—the kind that he doesn’t really want to, but just did anyway.

 

“Do I even have choices? My family cannot tolerate failure, especially my father. Again, if I just do good and meet their expectations, things are going to be fine. My father will continue his work with pride maintained, my mother will continue being the good housewife she is, and my sister will continue being the best thing that ever happen to us all.”

 

Jiwon likes seeing Hanbin’s expression when he talks about his sister.

 

“Do you think it’s sad?” Hanbin asked, and Jiwon was caught off-guards.

 

“Well…,” Jiwon shifts to find more comfortable position. He’s also thinking of what he’s going to say, choosing the words carefully.

 

He’s never done that to anybody before. Normally he will just blurt out whatever it is in his mind—but with Hanbin he feels the need to only say good things and say them with good choice of words, so the younger boy doesn’t get upset.

 

“…I don’t think so? I mean, being a doctor is great, you get to help people, right? Maybe we need to see it that way.” Jiwon said.

 

It’s like Hanbin’s only looking absentmindedly to the road—and Jiwon wishes he knows what Hanbin is feeling.

 

“Yeah…,” Hanbin says, voice gets even lower. He sounds tired—or just sleepy. “…I think, I don’t want to be like my father. I mean, I don’t want to be a high-profile doctor who is famous and be in the ministry. I just… I want a simple life. Slowly… little by little, my purpose has changed. Back then I studied hard to please my father, to be a good son. So my father doesn’t yell at me and my mother doesn’t need to defend me, and they both don’t need to fight...”

 

It’s the first time Jiwon heard the story, and it gives him answers to a lot of his questions. It also confirmed Yunhyeong’s guess about Hanbin being pressured by his family. It is clear now, the reason why he’s being so intense in every exam, the reason why he’s so obsessed of his academic scores.

 

Jiwon feels bad. He wishes Hanbin doesn’t have to bear all the burdens.

 

“…Now, I want to be good because… I want to be able to help people. I don’t want to use my knowledge for position or money. I… I don’t want to be like my father, Jiwon…”

 

Hanbin’s voice cracks a little, like he is gonna cry—but Jiwon isn’t brave enough to look at him. Jiwon doesn’t want Hanbin to cry because that’s doing weird thing to his feelings. Jiwon had seen Hanbin cries a few times, and each time, the feeling of wanting to protect is bigger than the previous one.

 

That kind of feeling makes Jiwon confused. But he refuses to think too much about it.

 

“I think it’s nice, Bin… I think it only means that you are a good person, and there is nothing wrong about it.”

 

Jiwon hears Hanbin sighs.

 

“That’s what I am terrified of the most… Becoming like him.”

 

Hanbin turns his head to look at the window again, probably trying to hide more emotions than what Jiwon can already see.

 

There is this urge inside of Jiwon to just touch Hanbin’s hand—or shoulder, really to just give him a little pat to show that Jiwon is there—he might not be much help, but at least he’s there. He doesn’t know what to do, but he is present.

 

Jiwon wants to be present for the younger boy for a long time—and that’s a weird thing to wish for.

 

Hanbin props his chin with one hand, shifting to lean towards the window more (Jiwon needs to check that it is locked, just to be sure). At times like this, Jiwon wishes that he is good at words, maybe like Yunhyeong who can give encouraging words to people when they are sad and down. Jiwon wish speaking is as easy as writing lyrics—but he cannot cross out the wrong words he had spoken.

 

Minutes passes so slowly while Jiwon still think about what to say and how to say them. They are still hundreds of kilometers away and Jiwon’s feet are a little bit tired already. Hanbin was right, the farthest he ever driven was to the airport and that’s not even far.

 

When Jiwon glances at Hanbin again, he notices that the younger boy already fallen asleep. His chest rises and falls steadily, and Jiwon thinks Hanbin always look so much younger when he sleeps.

 

Without even thinking, Jiwon pulls over the car to the side of the road and decided to stop for a few minutes. He needs to straighten his back and exercise a little just to relax his feet again. He stretches his limbs and groans a little bit too loudly, that he needs to actually glance at the sleeping Hanbin to make sure he is not disturbed.

 

But then Jiwon looks at the sleeping boy, a little curious how they can get along really well despite all the differences. Jiwon usually hang out with all different kinds of people, and never the same ones from time to time. He likes to have a lot of friends because sometimes hanging out with the same people get them overwhelmed easily by his endless energy.

 

But Hanbin fits just fine—somehow their energy matches each other. There is something from Hanbin that calms Jiwon down (could be the fabric softener smell, or the fruity shampoo) so his energy isn’t so much overwhelming. But sometimes Hanbin goes along with his antique and once or twice even tries to imitate him like a baby.

 

Speaking of babies, Yunhyeong really had thrown it at Jiwon’s face, like, _who’s the babysitter now, huh?_

Hanbin’s sleeping face looks calm, and he always sleeps like he’s very tired. Jiwon always has difficulties in waking him up. Even though he sleeps soundlessly with that weird position, it will still hurt his neck when he wakes up.

 

Jiwon then unbuckles his seatbelt to lean closer to Hanbin, trying to adjust the seat so it gets a little bit flatter and Hanbin’s back can at least be straighter than the sitting position. Hanbin’s head is lulled to the side and Jiwon tries to correct the position slowly so Hanbin doesn’t pull a muscle.

 

Hanbin’s cheek was so soft aginst Jiwon’s palm and _damn,_ Jiwon feels extra weird that things like this makes him giddy for no reason. If Hanbin is awake he’s probably gonna slap his hand and laugh at his expression.

 

Hanbin’s bangs are a little bit longer already—it had reached the upper frame of his round glasses. Absentmindedly, Jiwon runs his finger through them just to comb the hair aside so it doesn’t disturb him.

 

The silence makes Jiwon able to hear Hanbin’s steady breathing—even his own heartbeat. Hanbin probably just spent most of his weekend on his project and not even sleeping enough. It’s a pattern, really, it’s so easy to guess.

 

Jiwon then reached to the backseat where he threw his jacket carelessly. From his observation, Hanbin always gets cold easily, especially at night. That’s the story how Jiwon always brings either jackets or hoodie with him—most probably Hanbin will need it more than he does. As the night progresses, the air is getting chillier. Jiwon drapes the jacket on Hanbin’s body, adjusting it to cover his upper half.

 

There is still about two or smore hours to go before they arrive in Busan. Jiwon reaches to the RedBull bottle, opens it, and chugs about half of the content. It tastes quite good—but he still finds Hanbin’s decision to mix them with coffee a little bit nasty. He stretches his body once again, ties his wild purple hair to a ponytail, and starts the engine again.

 

It’s gonna be a long and fun night. He just knows.

 

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Jiwon has only ever heard about summer festival in Busan and people had said that it is crazy. They said it is crowded, super fun, and cannot be compared even with those in Seoul. Young people in Busan are so passionate for music and festivals like this are where they meet and have fun together.

 

They have parked the car so far away and had to actually walk to the venue. It is an outdoor venue—at an outdoor stadium or some sort, it is packed even to the back. Jiwon needs to actually make way for the both of them by passing through the crowd, with Hanbin trailing behind him. People around him are jumping and dancing to the music—and they don’t even match the beat. Those people on the back of a festival are always the kind who only want to have fun. They aren’t there for the artists nor the songs.

 

That is why they are moving a little bit to the front, to get a better view and to be surrounded by those people who actually pay attention to the line-up.

 

It is so hot and Jiwon is glad he left his jacket in the car.

 

“Jiwon, wait!”

 

Jiwon looks back only to find Hanbin a few meters away from him, trying to make way for himself in the crowd. Hanbin is trying to slip through people who are dancing and jumping wildly and his disgusted face makes Jiwon laugh. He forgets that he’s used to this kind of crowd and it is easy for him to make his way, unlike Hanbin who probably only experiences this now.

 

“Don’t leave me, you dumbass,” Hanbin shouted as he approaches Jiwon, scowling like a toddler.

 

“Oh my God, hahaha, I am so sorry. Here, come on,” Jiwon’s right hand then grabs Hanbin’s left wrist, “follow me. It’d be a pain in the ass to look for each other in human ocean like this.” Jiwon said as he continues to make his way—slower this time so Hanbin can easily follow him. The younger boy doesn’t really say anything, wordlessly letting Jiwon pull his hand in the crowd.

 

Jiwon stopped at a less crowded area, pulling Hanbin to stand beside him. The song is blasting so loud, people are screaming, and the whole thing just burned Jiwon’s energy. When the next artist gets on the stage and the music he knows begins to play, Jiwon goes along with the crowd and starts hyping too.

 

When Jiwon realizes that he’s still holding onto Hanbin’s wrist, he looks at the younger boy who is slightly behind him. Hanbin is looking at his surrounding, seems like the euphoria hasn’t really reached him yet. The people behind him are dancing and once or twice bumping on his back, and Hanbin’s face immediately shows more annoyance than excitement.

 

Jiwon then pulls Hanbin to stand on his right side, a little bit to the front so Jiwon can actually shield him from the annoying people behind them. Jiwon then releases Hanbin’s wrist, guiding one of the younger’s hand to grip on the hem of his white baggy shirt.

 

“Here, grip tightly. Don’t get lost, OK?!!” Jiwon needs to shout even louder now, “Just enjoy the night! It’s okay, you’re with me!!”

 

It takes Hanbin a few seconds to tighten his grip on the side of Jiwon’s shirt. He looks hesitate at first, but then he smiles at Jiwon.

 

“It’s okay, just have fun!!! Just dance and bump on people, they will be fine with it!!!”

 

Jiwon have to circle his arm on Hanbin’s shoulder and then the younger begins to relax, smiling a little as he looks at Jiwon is already jumping to the beat.

 

“Wohooooo!!!”

 

Jiwon shouts and that succeeded to make Hanbin laugh—the kind of laugh that Jiwon likes, the one that makes one of his eyes gets smaller and both of his dimples show (one is more prominent than the other). He mouths “seriously?!” to Jiwon, and after a small nod, now it is him who is shouting.

 

Jiwon doesn’t know how hard he laughs, doesn’t know how loud he screams. Hanbin never once let go of the side of his shirt, jumping just as hard as the beat and singing just as loud. He waves his free hand, once awhile adjusting his round glasses that slides a little while he is jumping. The music is loud, it is hot and Jiwon can feel sweat trickles down his back. His heart is pounding in the same rhythm as the drum and Hanbin is bumping on to him a lot.

 

“Oh my God this is fun!!!”

 

He’s got the biggest smile Jiwon ever seen on his face. His cheeks flushed and his bangs sticks to his forehead. Jiwon can distinguish Hanbin’s cracked voice easily under all the distortion, Jiwon feels the tug on his shirt gets stronger as the collar slides to reveal his right shoulder.

 

The song comes to an end but Hanbin’s laughter doesn’t. He’s beginning to get out of breath as his jumps get slower—his free hand clutches his stomach as he tries to contain his laughter.

 

God, Hanbin has the most beautiful laugh in the world.

 

“This is the best concert ever!”

 

The night wind is blowing cool air but all Jiwon can smell is the damn fruity shampoo. Always the damn fruity shampoo.

 

The moment Hanbin glances at him, Jiwon realizes how he had stopped listening to the music. His heart and his head are still pounding, but Jiwon knows that it is clearly for a whole different reason. He stops jumping at all when Hanbin turns to face him, looking at his collar that already revealed a big portion of his right shoulder because the younger boy keeps tugging on it.

 

“Oh my God I am so sorry!” Hanbin laughs even more—the hardest Jiwon had seen him laugh for nearly a year they know each other. He reaches out and smooths Jiwon’s baggy white shirt, fixing the collar while still letting out small laughs. His eyes are fixed on Jiwon’s shirt but Jiwon’s eyes are fixed on his smile—his high cheekbone, the cracked sound of this weird laugh.

 

At that moment, the main stage lamp is turned off, leaving the side lighting shining so brightly. Hanbin’s body complete blocks the light from Jiwon’s point of view, making it seems like it is him who glows—and that sounds so weird when Jiwon heard the voice inside of his head says that. The bright light creates some kind of halo around Hanbin and Jiwon is sure that he is going crazy.

 

“I completely stretched your shirt!”

 

His eyes get narrower and they stare at Jiwon’s. Jiwon doesn’t know what to do—he stays unmoving like an idiot, letting Hanbin smooths his shirt longer than he actually has to.

 

Call Jiwon crazy but then the damn rain pours out of nowhere. Jiwon’s eyes are still on the corner of Hanbin’s lips, finding his slightly crooked teeth adorable.

 

Hanbin lifts his hand to feel the rain on his palm, looking around while blinking as water trickles down his brows to wet his ridiculously long eyelashes.

 

“Suddenly??!” he asks, then proceeds to place his hand on top of his head as shield from the rain, which of course doesn’t really do its job.

 

The rain pours harder and Hanbin takes off his glasses, hanging them on his collar—his eyes are round and his black orbs are glassy. If Jiwon looks a little more carefully he probably can see his reflection. Hanbin then push his already wet hair backwards with one of his hand, and Jiwon was stunned.

 

Jiwon thinks Kim Hanbin is the most beautiful boy in the world.

 

Hanbin places his hand as a shield again on top of his head, and the other hand proceeds to reach out and stopped on the top of Jiwon’s head, shielding him too.

 

“It’s raining, you dumbass!” he says playfully.

 

Jiwon doesn’t move. He cannot move. Hanbin has his back facing the stage, precisely standing in front of Jiwon in a super crowded area.

 

“Kim Jiwon!”

 

There is a veeery little whine in that voice, another people will just miss out but this is Jiwon. Jiwon knows. Jiwon understands. That pulls Jiwon from his own thinking, realizing that he probably had stared at Hanbin longer than normal.

 

Jiwon reaches out Hanbin’s hand on top of his head, gripping them in his slightly larger one. He guides the intertwined hand down, placing it just between them.

 

Hanbin has this curious look on him and Jiwon feels his breath stuck on his throat.

 

“Kim Hanbin I like you.”

 

At the same time that words come out from Jiwon’s mouth, a loud music blasts from the damn sound system—it shocks Hanbin a little.

 

“What did you say??!” he asks, didn’t hear that first try.

 

Jiwon grips on Hanbin’s cold hand a little tighter. He closes his eyes, and then inhales deeply until his lungs feel full.

 

“KIM HANBIN I LIKE YOU!!!”

 

When Jiwon opens his eyes, Hanbin was stunned. That scares Jiwon, honestly, but to the hell with all fears now—Kim Hanbin is beautiful and he’s holding Jiwon’s hand right now.

 

It feels like ages but then there’s smile on Hanbin’s lips—Jiwon wants to fucking die.

 

“I like you too!!!”

 

Hanbin shouts in the middle of the loud music, a little bit closer to Jiwon as places his free hand on the corner of his mouth as a megaphone.

 

“No, no, no… I like, _like,_ you, Hanbin. I like you so much.”

 

Jiwon’s heart missed a few beats as Hanbin stumbled and crashes his lips against Jiwon’s in a small, quick peck.

 

Jiwon wouldn’t even think that it is real if Hanbin’s face is not a few inches away from his.

 

“Kim Jiwon I like you too!” he shouts at Jiwon’s ear—and then all the feeling surges as Jiwon’s brain processes the information. The first reaction that comes out of Jiwon is laughter, mirroring Hanbin’s cracked one, “…so much.”

 

They laugh. They laugh and they laugh. Their hands are still intertwined and cannot get anymore tighter. Hanbin has the most beautiful smile on his face and Jiwon cannot even concentrate on the rest of the festival. Hanbin dances, shouts, and put their intertwined hands on top of his chest. And Jiwon just know that driving all the way to Busan is the best decision he ever made in his entire life.

 

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[TBC]

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For those people who wants to know how I imagined Jiwon and Hanbin in this chapter, here they are:

[Hanbin ](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D4IA9IiUUAI7oy4.jpg)and [Jiwon](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D4IA8cTUcAAKfe_.jpg)

 

Also here is the [Silver KIA Sephia year 2000.](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/6/60/01-04_Kia_Spectra_sedan.jpg/1200px-01-04_Kia_Spectra_sedan.jpg)

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I inserted various little things in this chapter that will be linked to the future.  
> I hope you notices them!
> 
> Also, thank you so much for reading, and actually I didn't take three months to update this time!  
> Be proud of me, lol

**Author's Note:**

> Hi yall doubleb nation! So finally I am making a little bit contribution to a ship that had caused me pain.  
> Talk ikon/doubleb with me on twitter or drop me some Qs in curiouscat!! @runsoftbin.
> 
> That's it for now, bye!


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